


Lemon Chiffon Yellow

by Spklvr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Baby, Depression, Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Remus is a fucking mess you guys, Sirius is slightly less of a mess, Teacher-Student, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 09:51:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15749268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spklvr/pseuds/Spklvr
Summary: An unplanned night between Remus and Tonks ends up changing their lives forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am a mess with a busy life and poor time management skills, so this will be edited gradually over time. I actually wrote this first chapter back in January 2017, but then never went further with it before I saw the WSBB and decided to grab this opportunity to finally finish this bad boy. Much thanks to BastardSirius for the beautiful art at short notice!

Blind dates were the worst, and the woman sitting in the seat across from him, nursing a colorful cocktail while looking out the window, pretending to see something interesting on the small, empty street illuminated only by the light from the pub they were in, certainly agreed with him. It wasn’t that she was a bad person, or not attractive, or that there was anything in particular wrong with her. Nevertheless, they had exhausted their list of interests and things to talk about and nothing had stuck. There was just nothing he had in common with this person. “You know, I am a bit tired,” Remus said, and faked a small yawn for emphasis. “My class just submitted their final term paper today and I’ve been up answering questions and emails for the last two weeks…”

“You don’t need to make excuses,” she said and finally turned away from the window for the first time in probably ten minutes. “This is a shit date.”

“One of the worst I’ve been on,” Remus said honestly.

“What’s wrong with our friends to think we’d be a good match?” She laughed, then with a resigned expression, pushed her drink away and put a few pounds on the table. “You don’t have to pay for me. I’m going to leave and let’s never meet again.” 

“Sounds like a plan.”

They said their goodbyes stiffly and politely and she walked away out of the pub as fast as she could. He was going to go too, but her practically untouched cocktail was already paid for and getting a little tipsy was tempting. He really had spent the last few weeks helping desperate – at times sobbing – students who hadn’t realized a ten thousand-word research paper might take longer than a week to finish. 

He had just gotten through chugging half the cocktail when a familiar voice spoke up next to him. “So the date’s over then?” Nymphadora Tonks, one of the many students who’d had a breakdown in his office the previous week, asked. Her cheeks were pink and her smile a little wider than normal. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked her and put down the drink, as getting drunk in front of a student was rather unprofessional, even when they were of age and drunk themselves. 

“We were celebrating finishing your paper from hell,” she said and nodded towards a few other students from the class, sitting at a booth in the back of the pub. It was the usual group of boys he saw with Dora. Had he ever seen her talk to a girl before? “But for the last hour or so we’ve been entertained watching your very very sad date.”

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to look cross, but was actually hiding his embarrassed blush. “That’s quite rude, you know,” he said. “My dating life is not for your amusement.”

“We’re sorry.” She put on a distinctly fake pout. “Come have a drink with us. We’ve got plenty of beer, unless you prefer Sex on the Beach.”

It took him embarrassingly long to realize she was referring to his drink and had to put his hand to the bridge of his nose again. “I’m not sure that’s a good-”

“Come on.” She tilted her head to the side, her bubble gum pink hair stayed magically in place, and put on the best puppy dog stare he’d ever seen. “I’m sure you suffered almost as much as we did. Have a pint with us.”

After a short moment’s consideration, he finished his drink and got up. “Why not,” he said and followed her to the back of the pub. 

“Professor Lupin!” one of the boys, Kevin, shouted as they saw him. “She was hot! Why didn’t you pull?”

“We found nothing to talk about,” he explained as he sat. A young and very drunk Asian exchange student named Tin was quick to fill up a glass for him, and he accepted. 

His students were an intellectual bunch, and ambitious. One had to be to get into the university he taught at. They’d go on to other great universities when they finished their bachelors with him, to become the future solicitors and judges and professors and politicians of England. Thus seeing them in their current intoxicated state was a bit disconcerting. 

“You don’t need to talk to pull!” Kevin said and nudged his nearly unconscious Asian friend in the side. Remus made a mental note to knock a few points off his mark. Not enough to affect his overall grade; just a little for Remus’ peace of mind. 

“There might be a time when you too will prefer a decent conversational partner over a quick shag,” Remus said, realizing at once this was not a topic he should encourage nor the language he ought to use in front of his students. Surely, they would lose all respect for him and be hell to manage.

“Kill me when that happens,” Kevin said and laughed far too loudly. Dora made an exasperated sigh beside him. 

“Can’t all blokes be more like you, professor?” she said and drunkenly put a hand on his shoulder. 

“The population would plummet,” Remus joked, and she laughed sweetly, far more than if she was sober. 

Too many beers were consumed that night. And a few shots if he remembered correctly. They had moved to another pub, where Remus had felt very off due to having at least a decade on those around him. No better way to fix discomfort than with more alcohol. Of course, current thirty-four year old Remus had forgotten the promise twenty-five year old Remus had made to himself as he spewed over a dirty public toilet while kneeling in a pool of someone else's vomit. The promise to never drink like an early twenty-something student ever again. 

***

Large parts of the evening were blurry. He remembered a drink that was on fire. He remembered dancing, which meant he’d had too much. He remembered holding someone’s hair back while they were vomiting, followed by him having to vomit in the stall next to them, and then more drinks. He didn’t remember writing dock five points on his hand, nor whom it concerned. He remembered taking a taxi with a crying Dora, and inviting her up for some coffee because he didn’t trust her to get home safely. 

He turned in his bed, facing the far too young girl lying next to him, breathing softly and very much naked. The duvet had slipped down to waist level, revealing her young perky breasts. Though he knew well he had been attentive to them the night before, it felt inappropriate to look at them in the light of day, and covered her with the duvet. This caused her to stir awake. For a moment she looked as confused as he had been a few minutes before, then realization dawned on her. 

“Fuck,” she gasped and sat up, holding onto the duvet and revealing rather much of him in the process. He was quick to grab a blanket and cover himself, and they both sat there, still and unsure how to proceed. “We had sex,” she said and looked at him for the first time. 

“I believe so.”

“I’m sorry!” she said, voice shaky. 

“I think that’s my line.”

“No. You were way more drunk than me. And you took care of me when I was upset and then I kissed you and… this happened.” 

Remus nodded, and had to agree she must have been more sober than him if she remembered details like that. He thought he remembered the kiss when she told him, and how salty with tears she had tasted, but not how they had ended up in bed. “Why were you upset last night? I forgot.”

“It doesn’t really matter.” She covered herself a bit more while looking down at the floor. Remus felt suddenly embarrassed at the state of his bedroom. 

In the corner was the pile of books that didn’t fit in his living-room bookshelf, and an open folding chair against the dresser held a large stack of clean laundry he could never be bothered to sort and put into the correct drawers. Another chair (an IKEA dining chair that was supposed to be with the dining table, but as he never had more than three guests if that many, it was never used), was there to pile on all the clothes he deemed too clean to wash and too dirty to go back with the clean clothes, and would remain there unused until he washed them anyhow. 

“This flat is very you,” she said with a sad sort of chuckle, probably noticing him looking around with concern. “One of the blokes we met with yesterday in the second pub, do you remember?” He thought he did. A tall, broad bloke with long red hair in a ponytail, and Remus distinctly remembered spending quite a bit of time wondering how the hell he made it look good. “I quite fancy him.”

“He didn’t fancy you back then?”

She shook her head. “Apparently not. He left with some girl he met. This is childish, I’m sorry.” She wiped her wet eyes, before they had the chance to release any tears. “I’m not going to tell anyone about this,” she said and gestured between the two of them. 

“Thank you. You’re not a minor, but it’s quite strict at the uni.”

“They couldn’t fire you, could they?”

He shrugged, not wanting her to worry. “It’s possible.” They would fire him on the spot. “Oh god,” he said, as something much more pressing occurred to him. “Did we use protection?” 

Her eyes widened with shock, clearly having been too preoccupied with the fact she had just slept with a professor as he had been with having slept with a student. “You didn’t use a condom?”

“Not unless you brought one.”

“I didn’t. You don’t have condoms? What kind of guy doesn’t have condoms?”

“I wasn’t exactly planning on having sex. You’re not on the pill?”

“No! I haven’t had sex since summer and they make me bloated, so I stopped taking them...” she rambled, then trailed off to stare at the floor for a few seconds. “I wasn’t planning on having sex either, you know!” she exclaimed suddenly. “Haven’t even shaved my legs for a week.” The latter was muttered self-consciously as she pulled up her legs and put her arms around them. 

“You could take a morning after pill, I suppose.”

She nodded vigorously, having clearly not thought of this. “Mind if I have a quick shower?”

“Bathroom is to the right outside the door. Clean towels are on the shelf in there.” He tried to think how much of a mess his bathroom was and whether he had ever gotten around to tidying around the sink. As this was something that literally never happened unless he explicitly knew he would have company, he doubted it. He also remembered there was a few used towels on the floor after his shower the previous day when he’d made the floor really wet. 

It didn’t really matter. She was never going to come over again. 

He went into the small open-plan - an expression he liked to use to make it sound fancier than it was - living-room and kitchen, and sauntered up to the kettle to make tea. He only had that and cereal to offer. He’d risk the expired eggs himself when she’d gone, but it wasn’t something he’d put guests through. She finished the shower quickly, and came out wearing the same thing she had before, but without the dark heavy make-up he was used to seeing her with. She looked like a different person. Much younger. It made his stomach hurt. “Tea?” 

She nodded as she walked up to the kitchen, taking in the apartment on the way. “Your apartment really is very you,” she repeated. 

“You said that already. How so?”

“Everything is so cluttered yet clean. How do you even manage that?”

“I don’t like dust, but I don’t mind clutter?”

She chuckled disingenuously. “I called my uncle. He’s going to pick me up soon. I’ll stop by a pharmacy on the way home.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“I was going to say your name, but it feels weird to call you Professor Lupin now.”

“You can call me Remus, I won’t mind.”

“Alright, Remus.” They had tea in awkward silence until the sound of a loud engine outside brought them abruptly out of it. “That would be my uncle,” Dora said, looking a little embarrassed. 

She bid him farewell and left. Remus watched through the window as she jumped on the back of the motorcycle and casually wrapped her arms around the man driving it. The man handed her a helmet, but apparently, she was not happy with it, and pulled at the one her uncle was already wearing until he complied and they made a swap. The sight of the manmade Remus’ breath hitch. Clearly, the whole family was gorgeous. He was obviously Dora’s uncle; had the same grey eyes and hair as black as Dora’s roots. 

They finally got their helmets on and drove off, giving Remus some peace of mind at last. 

***

In the last few years, Sirius had really come to hate dates. The one he had just been on hadn’t seemed that bad at first. It was someone he had met online. He wasn’t completely Sirius’ type, a little too broad and burly, but good looking nevertheless and looked like his profile picture. They had grabbed a bite to eat at a Chinese restaurant and he had seemed interested in what Sirius had to say, though he didn’t say much about himself even when asked. It wasn’t until Sirius had suggested they continue their date somewhere else that he had understood why, making him feel stupid for not realizing sooner. “What were you thinking?” the man had asked, his voice low and seductive, as he discreetly ran his hand up Sirius’ back in a secluded spot in the otherwise busy street. 

“I was thinking of a pub down the road,” Sirius said, moving away from his touch. 

“Oh,” he had said, obviously disappointed. “I was hoping you meant your place.” 

“I don’t have sex until I’ve dated someone for a while.”

He arched his eyebrow and studied him curiously like he was trying to figure out whether he was joking or not. “Really?” he said finally. “Like on the third date?”

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t have set rules. Whenever we both feel we’re ready for the relationship to progress to that stage, and I hardly feel ready with you.”

“You sound like a virgin.”

What an asshole this was. To think he sacrificed a night of watching Netflix and eating takeaway while wrapped up in a multitude of blankets for this. “Whatever. Clearly we’re looking for different things so let’s just leave it here, okay?” He gave the man an awkward pat on the shoulder and turned to leave, only to be grabbed by the arm and pulled back. 

“Are you for real?”

“No. I am a figment of your imagination, and for the sake of your mental health you should let me go.” 

“I paid for your meal-” He was interrupted by Sirius shoving a ten-pound note into his mouth. This made him let go and Sirius swiftly walked away into the crowd. He could hold his own in a fight, but unlike when he was young and stupid and practically looking for it, he now preferred to avoid them if he could. Twenty-five year old Sirius on the other hand would have kicked that man in the nuts the second he grabbed his arm. 

He walked down the steps to the underground and took the Northern Line home to Camden. It was a busy Friday night and he had been in crowds all evening, but as he reached his street, it was nice and quiet and he took a deep breath to inhale the solitude. Looking up at his terraced house, he realized that man would have probably been intimidated by the sight of it anyhow. It was as family friendly as it got in London, and yet Sirius lived there alone. 

Another reason why he hated dating was that after every shitty date, and they were all shitty, he’d walk through his house as if seeing it for the first time and resenting it and everything it represented. He had bought it three years prior when his uncle passed away, leaving him a small fortune. He’d been in a relationship at the time, and he bought the house thinking about their future. By now, they should have been married and had a kid on the way; however they decided to go about doing that. Instead, the money had soured everything and their relationship had ended loudly and abruptly, leaving Sirius alone in a three-bed and two-bath house with a dining room that had never been used. 

While heartbroken, he hadn’t taken it too badly at first. He’d find someone else. He was well educated, had a good job, had lots of money, was best friends with a famous ex-football player, and he was good-looking. Men should be lining up to be with him. And he supposed they were, but none of them wanted what he did. A family. 

He sat on his large couch that could comfortably fit another man and two kids if they all snuggled up together while watching a movie and eating homemade pizza, because it was Friday night and they could stay up late and they’d have some ice cream after but not too much because Sirius was still a bit of a health nut and the kids would groan and his husband would playfully mock him, but it didn’t matter because they all loved each other and they were excited for Saturday because they were all going out with their Aunt Lily, Uncle James and Cousin Harry. 

The stray tabby cat that had taken up residence in Sirius’ home jumped up on the couch and curled up next to him for warmth. When the cat had moved in a few years ago, he’d been starved and beaten, laying in a gutter, and even though Sirius was actually more of a dog person, he hadn’t had the heart to leave him there. Now the old cat was getting a bit round and flatly refused to go outside, probably having had more than enough of it in his harsh life. He was glad it was there and he curled up beside it, ready to wallow in self-pity the rest of the night.

***

Still on the couch, he was woken abruptly the next morning by the loud buzzing of his phone on the coffee table. “Uncle Siri,” he heard Dora speak softly on the other end of the line. He could hear what sounded like a running shower in the background. “Are you up?”

“Yes, I’m up,” he said, trying to sound like he was up. The cat noticed him stirring and walked on top of him for attention, wanting to be fed. “What’s going on?”

“Would you mind if I came to your place? I’d rather not go home right now.”

She didn’t sound like she was in distress, more embarrassed if anything, but Sirius couldn’t help but worry regardless. “Where are you? Want me to come pick you up?” he asked, already putting last night’s discarded jeans back on. 

“It’s fine. I actually don’t think it’s all that far from Camden.”

“More reason why I should come pick you up. Text me your GPS location and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

He grabbed the keys to his bike and sat on it for a minute before she finally texted him the location, a place just east of King’s Cross. He got there in ten minutes, swerving around what little traffic there was, and found himself in an alright street lined with orange brick apartment buildings shaped in perfect squares. He texted her that he was there and waited until he saw the pink-haired girl come out of one of them in a hurry and jumped up on his bike.

“Thank you,” she said, smiling sheepishly as he handed her his spare helmet. She looked a bit of a mess, wearing clubbing clothes with a bare face and wet hair. “Give me your helmet. This one pinches.”

“You’d rather the driver be distracted by the pinching?” he asked, but switched, because he knew she’d drive him insane until he agreed. 

“You’re too scared of mum to let anything happen to me,” she said and grinned. “By the way, mind if we stop by a pharmacy? I need to pick something up.” She trailed off by the end, and he could guess what she needed to pick up after waking up hungover at what he could only assume was a stranger’s place. 

They stopped in front of a Boots in Camden. Still sitting on the bike, she scanned the street, looking everywhere else. “Mind getting me a coffee from Costa?” she said abruptly. “Latte.”

“Don’t want me going in with you?” he asked, twisting to face her. “You’re buying a morning after pill, right?”

There was a pause where she looked taken aback by his bluntness. Then, with a loud groan, she bashed her head against his back. “I’m so stupid!” she said. 

“Nah,” he said. “You’re twenty-one. There’s a difference.” He climbed off the bike to give her a tight hug, and he walked her into the crowded pharmacy. “What happened, exactly? You’re not the type to have unprotected sex with strangers.”

“He’s not really a stranger, but I’d still rather not wake up in his bed. Not like that anyhow.”

“So you like him?”

She shrugged and grimaced. “I suppose so, but it’s only been a little crush, you know? I never thought anything would come of it, so I never pursued it.” By the redness of her face, she guessed this boy actually meant a lot to her. He let it be. 

They went to the aisle that had pregnancy tests and condoms, figuring it was probably there, though they found nothing at first glance. She rummaged aimlessly through the products on the shelf, not properly looking at anything at all, as she continued speaking. “You know Bill?” she asked, and of course he knew Bill, because she’d talk about nothing else if you let her. “He was there yesterday, and we started talking and even danced a bit. Then I go away for five minutes to speak with a friend and he finds this fucking French exchange student with perfect blonde hair and goes home with her almost immediately!” She made a sound he could only describe as a growl and took a step back. 

“And so you slept with this other guy instead?” he asked gently. 

“He wanted to take me home because I was crying and he was worried about me, even though he was way more drunk than I was. I didn’t want to go home, so he asked me up for coffee. I thought that meant he wanted to do it with me, but he was genuinely surprised when I kissed him. I should have known, actually. He’s clearly not the kind of person who would take advantage of drunk uni girls.”

“Sounds more like the other way around.” She had the decency to look ashamed, which at least meant she agreed. “I think you have to speak with someone at the counter.” They both looked over the other customers to the pharmacist at the other end of the store, and she nodded dejectedly. 

An awkward thirty minutes later they were back at Sirius’ home, and he fed the cat while she changed and took the pill she had been given. She stumbled into the kitchen while Sirius was going through his fridge deciding on what to make for their late breakfast. “What do you feel like having?” he asked.

“What are my options?”

“American pancakes, full English breakfast, some fruits and yoghurt. Whatever you’d like. It’s pity Dora day after all.”

She snorted a laugh. Whenever Dora had been sick growing up, she had demanded everyone feel bad for her and cater to her every whim, and it had become pity Dora days. “Yoghurt sounds nice,” she said as she sat by the kitchen bar. 

He tried to engage her in conversation as he prepared some fruits, but she had grown even quieter all of a sudden, looking absentmindedly out the window while petting the cat. They ate in silence and he took her back home in the afternoon.


	2. Chapter 2

As every year, Remus found himself at his old home in Wales for Christmas dinner. They lived in a small town by the coast, right in-between Cardiff and Swansea. His parents’ house was white, pretty and small, and was on a street with near identical white, pretty, and small houses that overlooked the water. The interior was simple and humble, with mismatching furniture and walls covered with pictures of him – the pride and joy of the immediate Lupin family – and how sad was that. 

It was a hassle to get there, as he didn’t own a car and the public transport was nearly non-existent, and thus Remus rarely saw his parents these days. As such, if it was just his parents he’d come to see, it would have been a very nice visit. Unfortunately, his rather judgy aunt and uncle, who normally resided in Leeds, had decided to come as well, seeing as this was the first Christmas without Remus’ beloved grandmother who had passed away that summer, and thought the family should stick together in such difficult times. Looking at his parents’ strained expressions, he wasn’t the only one who would have preferred the family to stay apart.

“Remus, dear.” His aunt, his father’s older sister, spoke in a serious tone as she folded her hands over her plate of nearly finished dessert. “You are thirty-four now, right? Nearly thirty-five?”

“Yes…” he said, biting his lip, knowing exactly where this conversation was going and dreading it. His father put a comforting hand on his knee without looking up from his pudding, wanting to stay out of what was coming while also telling Remus he had his back if he needed it. 

“Isn’t it time you found someone? You don’t want to wait too long to have kids. Your parents aren’t getting any younger.”

“How is whether I have children any of my parents’ concern?” he asked, taking a deep breath. He’d spent the whole day listening to them berate his parents for this and that; having too old of a car, outdated furniture, and tacky homemade decorations that Remus had made as a child and “surely didn’t care if they threw out.” He really was at his limit, having only kept quiet because his parents insisted this was their argument to have. This was definitely his. 

“They’ll want to play with and spoil their grandchild, and they can’t do that when they are too old,” she said and gave Hope a look like she was supposed to agree, but instead his mother slowly started clearing the table – despite everyone still eating - pretending she hadn’t seen it. 

“As I have said before, I do not intend to have children, so when I find someone to settle down with doesn’t really matter.”

His uncle, equally as awful as his wife, decided to butt in. “You’re only saying that now, but just wait until a woman gets her hands on you. You won’t have much of a say then,” he said with a chuckle. 

“If she wants to be with me, she won’t have much of a choice on the matter,” Remus said, already regretting saying A, because now he had to explain B, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. It was a private matter that really had nothing to do with them. 

“What do you mean?” It was his mother who asked, suddenly no longer caring about clearing the table. 

“I got a vasectomy,” he told her. The table went quiet. His mother sat expressionless for a long moment, before she got up from the chair and grabbed his plate that still had pudding on it. 

“You’ve really made up your mind then,” she said and left the room. 

His uncle said something that sounded like a snide comment, but he couldn’t care less at that moment. After a confirming nod from his father, he got up and went to the kitchen. His mother was stood at the sink, quietly crying as she rinsed the plates. “Mum, what’s going on?” he asked in a whisper. He walked up to her with tentative steps, feeling like he was five again, and unused to his parents having emotions and being human.

“It’s nothing,” she said with a strained smile. “It’s your choice.”

He put an arm around his mother, whose tiny form he towered over, and she put the dishes down. “I’ve told you many times before that I don’t intend to have any children. I’ve told you why. What about this made you so sad?”

“This made it so final.” She wiped her tears on her sleeve. “But it’s up to you. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want grandchildren. Obviously I do. But that’s not a good enough reason for you to have them.”

“I’m sorry.”

She brushed him off and made him help with the dishes instead. “What made you suddenly go and get a vasectomy anyhow? Do you have a girlfriend?”

Somehow, he didn’t think having a close call with a student was going to go over well. “It’s something I’ve been thinking of doing for a while,” he explained and it wasn’t really a lie. “And Christmas break seemed like a good time to get it done since it required a few days rest after.”

“But if you went to the trouble of doing this I suppose you are not gay?”

Remus choked on air and nearly dropped his mother’s fine porcelain. “Did you think I was gay?”

“Your dad and I’ve speculated. Don’t give me that look, you can hardly blame us!” He stopped giving her that look and lowered his gaze to the dishes instead. “I can count on one hand the girl’s you have mentioned dating, and we’ve never as much as seen a picture of any one of them. Of course we got suspicious.”

“I almost wish that was the case. Unfortunately, I am just pathetic when it comes to dating.” That he was bisexual, and if he was to go out to seek a one-night stand – long ago as that had been - it would most likely be with a man, was another thing entirely and not something his mother needed to know. To make his life less complicated, he had already decided that whomever he ended up settling down with would be a woman, and only went on dates with them. Moreover, he was still pathetic when it came to dating. The longest he had managed to keep a relationship was five months. 

“Do you know why it doesn’t work out?”

He took a deep breath and shrugged, trying to formulate what he wanted to say. “It’s been the no kids thing several times. Most times, actually, when things have gotten serious.” It had also been the bisexual thing once, the one time he thought his relationship was going to go well. “Until recently my commitment issues also got in the way, but I think I’ve worked out most of them.” He was glad she didn’t ask why he had commitment issues, but he supposed she could guess. 

The rest of the evening went as well as one would expect, with stilted conversations and compulsory smiles, followed by an overwhelming sense of relief when his aunt and uncle finally decided to return to their bed and breakfast. His mother went to bed soon after, while his father went into his study to read. Remus curled up on the sofa, enjoying being alone, and nursing a glass of Whiskey while watching TV with the volume down. He had sat there for nearly an hour, a good quarter of the bottle gone, when he was startled out of his calm. “Should you be drinking?” his father asked. 

His father came up beside him, looking concerned. “I’m not on meds anymore,” Remus explained calmly. 

He nodded, but his lips formed a thin, straight line, that revealed he didn’t agree, but left it alone. “Your mum was quite upset about the whole vasectomy thing, wasn’t she?” he asked. He stood as if about to leave, only waiting for Remus to respond.

“Yes, but I think we talked it out properly.”

He nodded. “Good. Good. See you tomorrow.” He started for their bedroom, but stopped in his tracks as Remus spoke. 

“Dad? How do you feel about it? No grandkids, I mean.”

He stood there for a long time, frozen in time, thinking of what to say with a completely neutral expression that drove Remus crazy with impatience - yet he knew he sat there himself with that very same expression. “Your mum and I both really wanted more kids, and when we were told we couldn’t, I suppose the thought of grandkids someday comforted us.” He smiled softly, perhaps a little sadly, and shrugged. “Nothing to do about it. I completely understand why you’ve made the choices you have.” His father took a firm hold of Remus’ head and gave him a loud, playful kiss on his forehead. “You need to stop worrying. You’re already going gray.” He ruffled his hair and left to go to bed. 

When out of sight, Remus refilled his glass with whiskey, feeling guilty because he was scared he’d revert to what he realized had been borderline alcoholism back before he was diagnosed with clinical depression. When he had been at the liquor store, buying a bottle of wine as a gift for a friend, he’d stopped at the whiskey shelf and almost bought himself a few bottles. He hadn’t, in the end, but unfortunately he had remembered that old, nasty vodka the very same friend he’d bought wine for had abandoned at his place several years before, and had been left forgotten in the back of the cupboard ever since. He’d pour a generous amount into every drink he had, glad he never had to drive or leave the house very often. The worst he’d done under the influence was make rude comments on his students’ papers and he could just remove those. 

The whiskey in his glass was gone without him even noticing, just like the bottle of vodka, and he put it away. Perhaps going off his meds had been a mistake after all. 

***

Christmas was always a busy affair with the Potters. While Indian, Effie Potter was not one to let a chance to bring the family together over food go to waste. They went to India for Diwali, and all of their Indian relatives were flown to the UK for Christmas, with everyone commenting how it was just a white people version of their own holiday, and theorizing about all the odd traditions without actually looking them up. Also invited was Sirius, his cousin Andromeda, her husband Ted, and his little pain in the ass sort-of-niece Dora. 

While Sirius and Andromeda’s black hair helped them not to stand out as much, Ted, Dora and Lily Potter sure did. Lily especially, with her near translucent white skin and bright red hair, looked like a bewildered ghost in the crowd of brown-skinned people. While James was showing three-year-old Harry off to his relatives - resting Harry on his hip while supporting himself on his crutch with his free arm - Lily made her way to him on the sofa and put her arm around his. 

“Sixteen years I’ve been with that man, and I still can’t get used to this.”

“It’s lovely.”

“I’m used to Christmases with only close family, sitting and chatting over dinner and pudding. Not…. this.” She gestured in the general direction of the crowd, where some of James’ younger cousins were standing in front of their IPad and copying a dance from some music video they’d found on YouTube. 

“You’re just not good with crowds.”

“And sounds, apparently. I need to go outside for a bit. Coming?” He nodded and followed her out on the balcony. They looked out at the large garden and woods surrounding it for a long while, not saying a word. “You know what’d be nice? A joint.”

Sirius tried to contain the bark of laughter and it came out as a cough before he just let it go. “When was the last time you smoked?” he asked her and she grimaced. 

“I don’t even want to think about that. I’d feel old. Long before Harry.”

“I can’t say I do much partying anymore either. I can barely even drink these days. I have more than one beer and I fall asleep. We both got old it seems.”

“At least you still can, in theory.”

Sirius chuckled, trying not to make it sound as sad as he felt. “Grass is always greener.”

“True,” she said with a sigh. “How are you?”

“Lonely. So fucking lonely.”

“I’m hurt.” They both startled at the sudden appearance of James, who had soundlessly come out through the glass doors. “Why are you telling these things to Lily and not me? I’m your brother. Not her.” He put his arms around Sirius and held him tightly, as much a comforting hug as it was petty revenge for being made to feel left out. 

“Sorry, Jamie. You know I love you most.” This seemed to calm him and Sirius was released from the death grip, though James kept a hand on his shoulder. “Where’s the sprog?”

“He was taken by my aunts. Doubt we’ll ever see him again,” he said matter-of-factly. 

“It was good while it lasted,” Lily said, sighing as she leaned back on the balcony railing. 

“Are you okay, Lily?” James asked, taking Lily’s hand in his free one, still keeping the other on Sirius’ shoulder. “Want me to tell mum you’re not feeling well? Harry’s getting a bit knackered, so the two of you could go upstairs early.”

“Eleven is hardly early for a three year old,” she said. “But yeah, that sounds good. Sorry for being so white.”

“Hey. I love you. Flaws and all.” She stuck her tongue out at him and headed back inside. James looked to Sirius, wordlessly asking him if he needed him, and Sirius wordlessly explained that he didn’t, and joined him in following Lily. 

Sirius was also getting tired, but unlike Lily and Harry, he wouldn’t be missed, and snuck away from the party and into the Potter library. Even back when he was young and pretended he was cool, he had loved the library, and often came there to browse aimlessly through the many books crammed into the custom shelves along the wall. The rest of the family rarely spent time in there, and so he was surprised to find he wasn’t alone. He turned on the lights and saw Dora sat there, curled up with a book in her lap, her eyes puffy and cheeks tear streaked. “Dora, you okay?” She shook her head. “Want to talk about it?”

After a stifled sob, she put the book away and made room for Sirius on the sofa. “I don’t want to ruin Christmas.”

“Fuck Christmas. It’s almost over anyway,” he said as he sat down beside her. He wanted to hug her, but she seemed almost too fragile to handle it. “What’s going on? Is it that Bill bloke you like again?”

“No. That seems rather trivial in comparison right now.” His stomach formed a knot as every bad thing that could possibly have happened ran through his mind. “I think I’m pregnant.” That hadn’t been one of them, and he wasn’t sure whether to sigh with relief or just keep panicking. 

“Why do you think so?”

“My period is late. Really late. I haven’t taken a test though.”

“Is it that guy from the night I picked you up?” he asked hesitantly, and she nodded slowly. 

“Yes. He’s the only one I’ve slept with for ages.” She choked on a sob. “What do I do if I’m pregnant?”

“What do you want to do?” 

She shook her head and looked away. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. And it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault. You took the pill. You tried to rectify it.”

“I didn’t take the pill. Not right away.”

It was a long time before Sirius managed to speak, Dora looked determinedly the other way. “What? Why?”

“I was being stupid.”

“Clearly.”

“I looked at all the side effects and they scared me. And I thought about how mum struggled so much getting pregnant, and that I wasn’t supposed to be ovulating that day anyway. So that it was probably fine. And then I thought being pregnant might be a good thing. I’d love to have a child and it’s not a bad time. I’ll have finished my bachelor this spring and I was thinking of taking a gap year anyhow.”

As she spoke, he rubbed his temples, attempting and failing to get his brain working properly. “Are you mental?” he asked at last. 

“Obviously!” She collapsed onto herself and let out another sob. Sirius, pitying her despite himself, rubbed her back. “Mum will be so mad.” 

“Rightfully so. What are you going to do with it? Keep it?”

She sat up again, wiping away her fallen tears. “No! I can’t have a child right now! I’m only 21! But I don’t want to have an abortion either. Maybe I could put it up for adoption.” Her eyes suddenly widened, and she smiled. “Uncle Siri, maybe you could adopt it?” 

“Me?”

“All you do is nag about how much you want a family. And I know you’d raise it right.”

“It’s not a fucking dog, Dora! You can’t just give it to whoever you want. Not to mention it does have a father. What about him? He has a say in this too.”

She recoiled at that, and made a grimace like she’s sucked on a lemon. “I don’t want to tell him.” 

“He’ll notice you’re pregnant. Isn’t he in your class?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?” 

She clearly had no intention to elaborate on that. “Maybe he’ll want it. Things would be easier.” She glanced at him sideways to gauge his reaction, but it was all too much for him to have one. When he didn’t protest, she continued. “One of my classmates brought their kid to class once, and he was really good with her. He was playing around with her nearly the whole lecture.”

“Don’t get your hopes up.” He was trying not to get his own hopes up as well. What if he could adopt this child? He’d prefer to have someone to raise it with, but with his track record, it didn’t look like that was going to happen any time soon, if ever. And perhaps that was better. Dora rested on him and cried until she was almost asleep, at which point he dragged her off to her parents and had them take her home. Twenty-one or not, that girl was still a child to Sirius. Maybe she’d change her mind and keep it, but he couldn’t help but think the child that child was having really would be better off with him. Better off with him than some boy she knew.


	3. Chapter 3

December 3rd had started out great for Tonks. She’d finished her paper from hell assigned to them by her normally favorite professor, Lupin, and she and her classmates had gone out to celebrate. Then they had seen him on his date, sitting awkwardly in silence for most of it, with Lupin and the woman he was with taking turns about once a minute to say one sentence and then nothing. She had been pretty. In her early thirties, she reckoned. That it was obviously going poorly stopped her feeling that little stab of jealousy she reckoned she would have felt had they been all over each other. When she left and poor professor Lupin was sat on his own, finishing her drink, Tonks had gone up to him and invited him over, having no idea what that would result in.

Lupin was funny and held his alcohol far better than them, so naturally the boys were doing their best to drink him under the table, only to end up under the table themselves. She wished she didn’t mean literally. Tin, the Chinese exchange student, was curled up and clutching the leg of the table they were stood at, and complaining about soon being sick. “I’ll take him to the restroom,” Lupin said while the other boys only laughed at Tin’s misfortune. He pried Tin’s arms apart and nearly carried the small boy to the loo. 

That was part of why she liked him so much. He wasn’t like the other boys who just laughed and couldn’t be bothered to care. Lupin was considerate and kind. He always listened and, unlike every other professor in their program, knew his students had lives and problems outside of school, and actually cared to know about them. He was also really intelligent and passionate and good looking. “Where you at Tonks?” Kevin asked her. 

“Right here, Kev. Why?”

He nodded towards the other end of the club, where a familiar man with a red ponytail stood with some friends. “Don’t you want to talk with him?” Kevin asked, grinning evilly. 

“Much more than I’d like to talk with you.”

“Go over there then. And push up the girls a bit.” He said, fisting his hands around his chest and pushing them up to under his chin. Tonks flipped him off and walked away. She wouldn’t have stayed even if Bill weren’t standing over there. 

For the last two years and four months, she’d been having that fucking inconvenient and persistent crush on professor Lupin and Bill was the only one that had managed to alleviate it even a little. He was handsome and funny, full of confidence but not conceited. And best of all, her own age. “Bill!” she said, pretending she was at the bar to get a drink. “Finished too?” she asked. 

“Tonks! Hey! Yeah, the brunt of it.” He waved his friends off, which she considered a good sign, as it left them alone. “What are you having?”

“Just a beer.” He got them two, and while she was trying to keep her cool outwardly, on the inside, she was bouncing with joy. Bill was buying her a beer and it was the greatest feeling because if she got with him perhaps she could finally forget about her other crush. “Want to dance?” she asked, trying to sound casual. 

“Sure,” he said with a big smile, no hesitation. Perhaps they had hit if off better than she thought at that house party where they met last. They’d been speaking for a while then, but at some point he’d left with his friends without even telling her, so she thought she’d just been imagining the connection. But he was dancing with her now, and telling her he liked her pink hair, shouting to be heard over the music. She was having such a good time she hated herself a bit for looking back at her classmates’ table, searching for Lupin. However, he wasn’t there. 

“Um, I just have to use the loo for a bit. Be right back,” she said. He gave her thumbs up and she didn’t care to see where he went, too worried now that Lupin had been off with Tin for at least twenty minutes. Without much consideration, she pushed open the doors to the men’s room, and saw Lupin sitting on a makeshift seating made out of toilet paper, rubbing Tin’s back as he spewed into the toilet. Lupin himself was looking pale like he’d been hunched over the toilet himself not long ago.

“You alright?” she asked, kneeling in front of him. 

It seemed to take him some time to focus on her, but when he did he smiled. “Yes. I forgot how sick the smell of… sick makes me. You done, Tin?” He nudged him, and Tin slid off the seat and nodded. “Want to go home?” Tin nodded again, and let the much taller Lupin help him off the floor. 

They got Tin into a taxi and hoped for the best, before going back inside. “I need a shot,” Lupin said, making her laugh. 

“Haven’t you had enough to drink?”

“I need to wash out the taste with something.” He made a beeline for the bar, making mumbled apologizes to everyone he bumped into. At least with him being tall he was easy to keep track of, even if his long legs were much faster than hers. He was ordering multiple shots at the bar, pushing one her way. “It’s a kamikaze. They’re good!” he shouted over the music.

She accepted the shot, and downed it quickly. She grimaced, as it was much stronger than anticipated. “Um, this is going to sound weird, but mind if I climb on you for a bit?” He seemed unperturbed by the question, and allowed her to lean on him as she climbed up on the bar to scan the room. There she saw the familiar red hair she was looking for, but her happiness at this was brief. He was dancing with someone else and it didn’t take long to recognize her either. 

Fleur Delacour. That stupid French exchange student, and calling her stupid wasn’t fair, because they only had one class together and had only spoken once when Fleur had asked her what time it was, but she was drunk and jealous, so fuck it. Fleur Delacour was stupid. Especially so when Bill leaned down to kiss her neck. 

“Are you alright?” Lupin asked her, his drunk eyes full of concern. If only he was not her professor and ten years younger. She’d much prefer him to Bill. She hadn’t realized she’d been crying until his large soft hand wiped her tear away. “I’m sorry! I smudged your makeup.” He looked panicked, and it was adorable. He was adorable. Even with the graying temples and tired eyes, he was adorable. 

“It’s alright. I want to leave anyway.” She took the last shot left on the bar, in fact not entirely sure it belonged to them, but beyond caring. 

“Who is it that got you all worked up?” he asked, sort of running his hand through her hair, sort of patting it like she was a small animal. 

“Guy with the long red hair in a ponytail.”

Very indiscreetly, he began to stare across the room until he spotted Bill. He continued to stare with what she could only describe as confusion until Tonks hit his arm. “Very hot for someone with a ponytail.”

“Hot? Are you gay, professor Lupin?”

“Bi. Hush.” He put his fingers over his lips, missing slightly. She wasn’t sure what to think about him being bi. It would have almost been a relief if he was gay, because then she’d had no chance anyway and could forget all about it. With him being bi, though, she supposed nothing had changed. “Where did my shot go?”

“You finished it already,” she said. “Let’s go home.” He nodded and followed her back outside. It was dark and cold, and she was freezing and wobbly. Even there she couldn’t escape the noise, as it was crowded with people. It was still early in the evening for them. It would have been for her as well, normally, but now she was beginning to wish she’d just gone home with Tin and ditched Bill, instead of being the one that got ditched. 

As they walked away from the crowd towards a street with more traffic, she stumbled and wobbled, as did Lupin. She didn’t want to go home like this. She’d never hear the end of it from her mother and decided to go to Sirius’ place. “Where are you headed?” Remus asked her. 

“Camden.”

“I live by King’s Cross. Want to share a taxi part of the way?” She nodded and he hailed one for them. Even in his drunk and clumsy state, he was being a gentleman, and made sure she got in alright first before getting in himself. When she started crying because she was drunk and stupid, he put an arm around her and whispered there there, slurring even those words. 

“Will you be alright getting home on your own? Want to go to mine for a cup of tea first? Clear your head a bit?” Intoxicated as she was, she hadn’t really realized the position she was in, wrapped up in his arms with his face close to hers. It felt warm and safe in his embrace, and nuzzled closer, staining his coat with tears and mascara. 

“I’d like that,” she said. She tried not to show her crying had stopped; afraid he might let her go then. 

He brought her up to his flat and immediately put the kettle on. He seemed drunker than at the club and in the taxi, unsteady on his feet and mumbling rather than speaking. She sat back, leaning against the kitchen counter and watching him. The whole apartment reminded her of his office, with its systematic clutter. Second year papers were scattered across the whole kitchen island. “Tea’s ready,” he said and she slowly stepped up to him. Was he making a move on her? Or was he just a touchy feely drunk? 

If he was making a move, it was the nicest come-on she’d ever experienced. He moistened a paper towel as she drank her tea, then dabbed it gently and clumsily on her face to clean her up. “You’re like a pretty little raccoon,” he cooed. He was hunched over, close to her face. He reeked of alcohol, but so did she, so she had no right to complain, and really, she wasn’t about to. 

She leaned in for the kiss, and at first, he kissed back, though he was making some confused sounds as he did. But just as her heart stopped pounding with fear of rejection, he pushed her away. “W-what are you doing?” he asked. 

“Kissing you.”

“That’s not very appropriate.”

“Not very appropriate? Why not?”

“You’re much too young,” he said, pointing an accusing finger at her. “Just drink your tea.” He retrieved his own mug and looked miffed as he took a long sip. “It’s quite late. Want to sleep here?”

“You don’t mind?”

He shrugged. “My sofa’s not very comfortable. You can have the bed. I’ll put down a spare sheet on it.” He walked into a different room, not sparing her a glance. After a few minutes and more than a few frustrated drunken grunts, she went in after him. He was struggling getting the fitted sheet to stay on the bed, and she walked over to help him by holding down one side as he stuffed the sheets into the other. “I don’t think I’m capable of changing the duvet covers.”

“That’s fine. Thank you.” He started to walk away but she reached over the bed and grabbed his arm. It was a bit more violent than she had planned for it to be, and he tumbled backwards onto the bed. “Sorry!”

“I’m okay.” He remained on the bed, clutching his face like he was fighting a dizzy spell or a headache. When she got in besides him and started rubbing his temples, he didn’t make any protests. Nor when she kissed his cheek, nor nose, nor lips. He even kissed back a little, and when she began to remove her clothes, he assisted her and didn’t stop her from removing his. 

The sex was surprisingly good. She was used to drunken sex being rather forgettable and at times plain embarrassing, but the sex with Lupin was slow and sensual, even if he looked close to falling asleep at times. He stroked her firmly, cupped her breasts in his hand and kissed her nipples. Sometimes hands were placed in odd positions or they’d accidentally and drunkenly bump into one another, but it was lovely despite of it. It ended too quickly in her opinion, but Lupin could barely keep his eyes open and was asleep besides her as soon as his head hit the pillow. She watched him for some time, not noticing falling asleep until she was woken up by him waking. 

***

While her uncle had been cooking for her, she sat on the sofa, cat in her lap, and stared at the box in her hand. There was a long list of side effects that scared the shit out of her. She didn’t even take ibuprofen if she could help it. She thought back to when her mother had told her about how much she and her father had struggled having children. “It’s all the inbreeding,” she’d said, despite her own mother having had three children. Perhaps that was the case with her as well. And she pulled up her period app on her phone, that stated her fertility was currently low. She couldn’t imagine her professor having any serious STDs. Not without telling her. She’d take a test at the doctor’s, but it wasn’t something she was going to worry about. Nor was the pregnancy. And if she did get pregnant, what if this was her only chance? With the way her mother had struggled – what if she found someone in a few years’ time, and they tried and tried, only to find out she’d spoiled her one chance? 

She put the pill away. 

Two days later, she woke in a state of panic at 4 am, and rummaged through her bag for the pill and swallowed it dry. What had she been thinking? And if she was pregnant, that pill might not have made much of a difference anymore. She fell to the floor and cried, leaning on her bed with her arms wrapped around her pillow. The next morning she managed to convince herself of the unlikelihood of her conceiving again, but that conviction didn’t last very long when several weeks later, her period had still not come. 

***

It was February and the new semester had started. His was one of the few mandatory modules for the undergraduate law students, so there was no getting rid of any of them. One he guiltily wished was no longer in his class was Dora Tonks, who was smiling awkwardly at him from her seat as he went through the introduction of their course material. She was a good student, who caused laughs and got all her fellow students together, and under any other circumstances, he would have loved to have her until she graduated. But as such, he wished she was far away. 

After the unusually gruelling lecture, he went to his office to prepare for the class of freshers he’d teach the next day, but was quickly interrupted by a knock. Without waiting for an answer, Dora entered and locked the door behind her. “Come in, I suppose,” Remus said, trying to lighten the heavy mood in the room. 

“I’m pregnant.”

It wasn’t what he had expected to hear, though what he had expected he wasn’t sure. He realized his heart was beating faster and thought he might be having a panic attack for the first time in years. He took a deep breath and tried to center himself, put him back on earth by focusing on the ticking of the clock on the wall and the feel of papers beneath his restless fingers. 

“Remus?”

He wished he’d never let her call him by his first name. It felt much too close and intimate. “Is it too late for an abortion?” was the first words out of his mouth, and he realized that was probably too harsh, especially as her face scrunched up like she was trying not to cry. 

“I’m keeping it.”

“You can’t keep it!” He hadn’t really meant to say that either, but he’d lost control of what came out of his mouth. She went from looking like she was about to cry to glaring. 

“You can’t make that decision! I’m the one who is carrying it, risking my life and health. It should be up to me.”

“Something created by me is hardly worth it,” he scoffed. 

“So you’re just going to ignore it? You won’t take any responsibility?”

“Why should I? I was so drunk I barely understood who I was sleeping with or what I was doing. I can’t even understand how I managed to keep an erection.”

“You made the choice to get that drunk.”

“And you made the choice to sleep with me.”

She bit her lip, holding back whatever she wanted to say. “It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to give you the chance to be part of your child’s life, but since you won’t, they’ll just have to grow up without you.”

“Stop trying to manipulate me. They’ll be better off. Get out unless you have an academic question.”

“Fine.” She left the room then, slamming the door behind her, and no doubt causing questions. He’d just have to tell his office neighbor she’d failed something. A sinking feeling in his stomach reminded him it was fully possible for her to rat him out to the university for sleeping with her. She had evidence now as well. But he put some faith in her that she wouldn’t do that. He hoped. 

“Fuck, I need a drink.”

***

Sirius had a habit of working late. It wasn’t like he had anyone to come home to. His job was the kind of soul-sucking desk job that had been his biggest fear when he graduated uni. He hadn’t liked it much when he started – had promised himself to quit as soon as he had some money saved. Maybe start something with James, whenever James’ football career ended. But James’ career had ended sooner than planned, when his hip all but snapped in half. Sirius hadn’t thought anything could break James Potter, but that had done it. For two whole years, he was but a shell of his former self, until Lily got pregnant. 

Lily had told Sirius before James. She’d been afraid it was a bad time. James was still depressed, had just began to physically recover, Lily’s had only just gotten her first permanent job after graduating from med school, after a few years of temp work, and a baby didn’t fit into any of it. Somehow, despite their trepidations, Harry had fit in perfectly. Had made things better. 

Then Sirius inherited his uncle’s fortune, but by that time, he’d grown to enjoy the job of his nightmares, and James was happy as a stay-at-home-dad. Nothing had come of their half-baked business plans. Then the breakup and the heartache. Would he too be happier with a baby in his life? With someone to love and care for?

As if called from the heavens, he arrived at his doorstep to see the carrier of his potential baby sitting there in the cold. She was wearing ripped jeans and his old leather jacket, neither of which provided much in terms of warmth, so it was no wonder she was shivering. “What are you doing here?” he asked strictly. He unlocked the door and practically shoved her inside. She kicked off her boots and threw off her jacket lazily, before she went into the living room, picking up everything warm she could find on her way – cat included – and slumped into the couch. 

“What’s the matter?”

“I talked to Remus,” she mumbled into the cat. 

“Who?” 

“Baby daddy.” She patted her belly. “He really doesn’t want the baby. I dunno why it bothers me so much. But if you don’t want it-“

“I never said I didn’t want it. I said he should have the option.”

She let out a single sudden sob. “He told me to get an abortion. Practically demanded it. I thought he was such a nice guy, but he’s an ass!” She slammed her hand into a pillow. The cat twitched, but remained unstartled and sleeping. 

“Did he really say that?” She nodded. The hurt she was trying to hide angered him. Who was this prick? Perhaps he shouldn’t have expected more from some law school kid. He was fuming all through making dinner, and when after eating, she fell asleep on the couch watching TV, he couldn’t take it anymore. 

He didn’t trust himself on his bike, and ended up taking the tube. When he arrived at his stop, he stomped up the stairs from the underground, causing several of those around him to shy away in fright. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he had to do something, because his sort-of-niece had fallen asleep crying on his couch and he was angry. What she’d done was a shit move, but fuck, it was his child they were speaking of. 

He walked up to the block of flats he remembered her coming out of before Christmas, and hoped he’d figure which one belonged to this Remus fellow. The first person whose buzzer he rang was an R. Thompson, who turned out to be an older woman named Ruth. She spoke with him for much longer than necessary, but if nothing else his exasperation with her alleviated some of his anger at Remus. At last she revealed that the only Remus she knew, and how many could there be, lived in 5C. He rang the buzzer of R.J. Lupin next, and he was answered by a nasal, but somehow still soft voice. “Hello?”

“Is this Remus?”

“Yes.”

“I’m Dora’s uncle. May I come up and speak with you?”

There was a long silence. He thought he might be ignored until the voice finally responded. “Depends. Are you going to punch me?”

“It wasn’t the plan, but I won’t rule it out.”

There was a loud sigh on the other end. “I probably deserve it anyhow. Come in.”

Sirius hadn’t expected it to be that easy, but he still hurried up inside to the fifth floor. Before he even reached the door of 5C, it was opened for him, and he gaped slightly at the sight. He had expected some young brat wearing polo shirts, not a man his own age wearing an oversized jumper and comfortable brown trousers. He could understand why Dora’s had a crush on him though. He was handsome, if a bit untraditionally so, with distinct features and an intelligent look to him. But those eyes of his looked haunted, as if he’d been to war and seen horrors Sirius could only imagine.

“When Dora said you were sort of in her class?” he started, addressing the age bit first. 

“I’m her law professor.”

“Well, you’re fucked then, aren’t you?” 

He laughed an adorable self-deprecating laugh, and Sirius gulped. He definitely knew why Dora liked him. “Why don’t you come in?” he asked, opening the door wider, allowing Sirius to step inside. “Would you like a glass of whiskey to make this conversation less awkward?”

“Please.” The apartment was small and cluttered with papers, books and mugs, but the carpeted floor was unusually clean. 

Whilst Sirius sat on the worn but soft sofa, Remus got a single tumbler from the cupboard, a glass for himself and the whiskey already on the coffee table. “Are you alright?” Sirius asked as Remus sat down next to him and poured their glasses.

“Not really.” He shrugged and forced a smile before taking a large sip of the whiskey. “When Dora told me, I was very startled to say the least, and I got angry. But I’ve been thinking that I should take some responsibility if she really intends to keep the child, and pay child maintenance and all that.”

“Her parents are rich, as am I. She doesn’t need your money.” Had Dora told him she was keeping it? She was undecided then, or perhaps she would if Remus wanted to be part of the baby’s life. 

“That’s not going to happen.” He downed his whiskey, then poured himself another glass, topping up Sirius’ untouched one while he was at it. 

“Do you really hate kids that much?” Sirius asked. 

“No! No!” he said, shaking his head more than necessary, clearly getting drunk if he wasn’t already. No wonder he was so easygoing about potentially getting punched in the face. “I like kids. Frequently more so than adults.”

Sirius took a sip of his nearly overflowing glass. It was a strong whiskey that burned his throat. He coughed discreetly, embarrassed seeing as Remus was downing it like water. “Then what’s the problem?” he asked carefully. 

Remus inhaled deeply, and didn’t let go of the breath, making Sirius almost topple over with anticipation. “I’m the problem,” he said at last, so they both could breathe. As he said it, he picked up the bottle of Whiskey for emphasis. 

“Alcohol dependency?”

“Not yet, but doing my fucking best at getting there.” He laughed as he sank into the sofa besides him and closed his eyes. 

“I know I’m kind of stranger here, but you can talk to me if you want. I know how it feels when life gives you nothing but shit, and you’re obviously taking this baby thing very hard.” He wasn’t sure when his anger had subsided so completely, but now he felt he needed to help this rather pitiful man. 

Remus rubbed his eyes and made a small sound of displeasure. “I don’t know what to do about that.” Remus turned on his side, facing him with wide eyes, and after quickly finishing the Whiskey apparently made of fire, Sirius felt compelled to do the same. They acted like children about to divulge their secrets. “I have clinical depression,” he said with a pout, sounding and looking like he was saying something far less serious. “And, you know, it’s never a good idea to say you agree with something Hitler said-” Sirius let out a loud snort, causing Remus to laugh as well. “But there is something to be said for eugenics.”

“Hitler didn’t think of eugenics. He just, you know, promoted it.”

“Yeah, I suppose. Point is, if there is even a slight chance this baby could grow up and feel the way I feel, I think it’s better off never existing in the first place.”

“But you’re still here.”

“Not for lack of trying.” Sirius winced as Remus lifted his sleeves and showed off two long scars running up the underside of his arm. “I’m not suicidal anymore. Haven’t been since I was a teen.” He rolled his sleeve back down and sighed. “But I need to go back on my meds. Self-medicating with alcohol isn’t the way.”

“Have you tried pot?”

“Yes. It gives me panic attacks and then I throw up.” 

“I’ve never heard of anyone throwing up because of pot before.”

“Me neither.” 

They were silent for a moment as Sirius reached out, barely moving his head from the sofa pillows, to refill his drink. “Why don’t you want to start your meds again? Do they make you feel bad?”

He shrugged. “No. There was a long time of trial and error until I found the right one, but once I did, I felt much better. I didn’t have to fake every emotion like I do now. It just feels like such a defeat. I really thought I could do it myself this time.”

“That’s bullshit! What comparison is it that they always use? Don’t tell a diabetic they should get over themselves and manage without insulin?”

“Thanks.” His smile was too pretty for words. Lopsided and genuine. “So… what about you?”

“What about me?” Sirius asked, confused. 

“What shit has life thrown your way, since you’ve been listening to mine.”

“Abusive parents, mainly.” Sirius had barely told anyone. 

“That’s a big shit.”

“It is. But I managed okay. I ran away and moved in with my best friend and his family when I was sixteen. I tried to get my brother out, but I don’t really know what happened to him in the end. Started using drugs I think.” His voice slowly started caving, until it was practically a whisper.

“Really big shit,” Remus muttered. 

“I think yours is worse. I’ve never wanted to kill myself… well, not enough to actually consider it seriously.”

“At least my home was a safe place to be. I had a bit of a shit time at school, but I knew I could come home to two people who loved me, even if I didn’t understand how all the time. All my melodrama and mood swings must have been hard on them.”

“You do anything for your kids.”

That seemed to make him uncomfortable, and he shifted slightly. “What about you? Any kids?” he asked, subtly changing the topic to something easier without changing it too much. Sirius had used the same tactic a lot before, whenever people had asked him about his home life. 

“No. I really want one though. But I’m gay, so it’s going to take some time.”

Remus turned his head to look up at the ceiling, thinking very hard about something or other. “I think I’ll be gay from now on,” he said suddenly.

There was a long moment before Sirius’ increasingly intoxicated brain managed to take in that information. “What?”

“I’ve been dating women because I thought that would make my life less complicated, but it’s only messed everything up. I think I’ll stick to guys from now on. My parents already suspect I’m gay and they seem to be okay with it, so I should just go with it.”

“A-are you even attracted to men?”

“Sure. I’ve had sex with more men than I have women. Just haven’t dated any before.” He stopped finding the ceiling interesting and turned back on his side, facing Sirius. “Think men would date me? I’m not too much of a mess?”

“Quit drinking and get back on your meds, and I think you’ll do alright.” He reached out a hand and stroked Remus’ messy waves away from his face, his eyes following Sirius’ hand with curious fascination. “I think you’ll have an easier time of it than me.”

“But you’re so good-looking. You should have your choice of men.”

“Yeah, but all they want is to fuck me, and I don’t want that.”

“You want a serious relationship?”

“That. And also, I’m kind of ace.”

Remus’ eyebrow arched with confusion. “You’re good?”

“No. Asexual.”

“Ah. Gay and asexual. You’ve got life figured out.” Sirius couldn’t quite decide whether Remus was joking or not, because he looked very genuine as he said it. “Sex ruins everything,” he continued and whined like a little dog that’d had its paw stepped on. 

“It doesn’t. It can be nice.”

“You’re asexual!”

“Maybe something in between ace and demi is more correct. It’s a spectrum that’s difficult to label sometimes.”

“Does demi mean half-sexual?”

“Something like that. I’m not sex repulsed. If I really love someone, I can have sex with them, even if it’s not something I necessarily desire myself. Kissing is worse than sex, to be honest.”

“Huh, that’s a first- I’ve heard of sex repulsion, but never kiss repulsion. Are you kiss repulsed?” The latter was added on quickly, as if he was afraid he may have assumed too much about Sirius. 

“Quick, closed mouth kisses are fine, but if anyone tries to stick their tongue in I start to gag.” Remus hummed a sound of understanding while taking more of his drink. “I’ve had guys try to force kisses on me. I hate it.”

“You should bite their tongue off.”

Sirius laughed. “I should.”

“Men are assholes.”

“Yet you want to be gay?”

“I’m drunk. I don’t know what I’m saying.” Both of their glasses were empty now, and there was only a small amount left in the bottle. “Would you like the rest?”

“No thanks. I’m drunk enough as it is.” And he’d only had two. Remus was about to pour the rest into his glass, but stopped halfway. “Not having it?” Sirius asked. 

“I think I’ve had enough too.” Unsteadily, he hoisted himself off the couch and headed for the sink, where he poured out the rest, before going into his cupboard and pouring out a bottle of vodka. “Want to watch Black Mirror with me?” 

“Sure.” Remus sat back down and put Netflix on the TV, and through the alcohol Sirius did realize he was in a very unusual situation, sitting with a stranger (who he had been prepared to punch in the face no less) watching Netflix. Tired as the late hour mixed with alcohol had made them, they gradually started sliding closer together until Sirius’ head reached Remus’ shoulder about two thirds into the episode they were watching. 

“He was a pedophile. Makes sense now,” Remus mumbled as the episode ended. Sirius wanted to question it, having not paid that much attention, but let it slide as they moved on to the next episode, not feeling much like talking.


	4. Chapter 4

Dora was in the mood to kill someone when she entered the first lesson of her Law class. She had been ever since she announced her pregnancy to Remus the day before. How could anyone act like that hearing the news of becoming a parent? With anger and disgust? She was scared shitless too, but at least she’d attempted to be mature about it. It didn’t really matter, she supposed. In her mind, she was already picturing her uncle’s face when the baby she’d birthed was put in his arms. 

She wasn’t going to raise it, especially not alone, it wasn’t feasible. And if Remus didn’t want anything to do with it, Sirius was the better choice. He probably was anyhow. She never met anyone who wanted a family as much as him. He’d even taken cooking classes and every time they walked past a baby or small child, he’d watch it with such longing it broke her heart. It had been the same whenever he was with James and Lily as of late. She thought he was probably hurting more than he was enjoying spending time with his friends these days, seeing what he wanted but didn’t have. 

Kevin and Tin waved her over, but she purposely failed to notice them and sat in front of the classroom, a spot her two friends would avoid like the plague. Thinking about Sirius having the baby had calmed her, but her rage was fueled once more when she walked in. Fleur Delacour. Her blonde hair bounced behind her as if a fan was blowing wind at her face. Fleur sat a few rows behind her, and immediately a couple of boys sat with her. “Is it true?” one of the boys asked. Dora looked ahead at the empty blackboard, trying not to listen, but their proximity and the fact that she had ears made it difficult not to hear. 

“Is what true?” Fleur asked with her infuriating accent. How long had she been in England anyhow? One would think her accent would have improved somewhat in that time. 

“That you’re dating Bill?”

Of course they were dating. Not that Bill would have any interest in dating a pregnant girl, so it wasn’t like her only shot at getting over Remus, not that there was much to get over anymore, was still viable. “I am not,” she said curtly. Of course she’d dump him. Clearly, she was too good for him, one of the hottest guys that had ever shown interest in Tonks ever. 

“So you’d go out with me then?” the boy asked, there was a long silence, and she was almost curious what face Fleur was making. She was probably winking seductively at him, telling him she’d blow him in the toilets if he wanted her to. There was shuffling of seats behind her, but she didn’t turn to see what was happening, even though she was curious. 

“May I sit here?” Fleur asked, suddenly right next to her. 

“Um, sure.” Fleur sat slowly, with graceful movements, but her face was scrunched up with anger. “You okay?” Tonks asked, not sure what else to say.

“I just don’t appreciate being sexually harassed,” she said, her tone suggesting he had merely stolen a pen. “I hope you don’t mind me taking solace next to you? They tend to bother me more when I’m alone.”

“I don’t mind.” Tonks hadn’t thought about how annoying it must be for Fleur to have constant male attention. Tonks, while not ugly, wasn’t really looked upon as a sex object to the same degree, what with her shocking pink hair and often-masculine clothing. Despite this she still often found it bothersome when going out with friends and getting chatted up frequently. It was one of the reasons why she tended to hang out with guys. People were less likely to see her as available.

“I couldn’t help but overhear you broke up with Bill?” Dora asked. The professor finally entered the room, five minutes too late, and she made a hum in agreement, as he addressed the class. “How come?”

“I don’t date men,” she said as she flipped through her book, looking for the chapter the professor told them to find. 

“Not even Bill? He’s so cool and nice.”

She abruptly looked up from her book, staring at her with an expression that for a brief moment looked disappointed. It quickly turned into a smile. “You can do way better. Trust me,” she said. 

“What’s so bad about him?”

“No good at this,” she said, made a peace sign with her fingers and stuck her tongue between them. Tonks struggled to hold back a loud snort of laughter as Fleur apologized to their professor who was eyeing them. 

As the class ended, she found herself sticking around Fleur. She was very different from what Tonks had thought. She had a dry and sarcastic sense of humor that Tonks enjoyed, and she was clearly intelligent even if she didn’t flaunt it in class. They were both in desperate need of caffeine, and went to the Costa across the street from the university.

The line was long with students in need of a fix between classes. Tonks was simply preoccupied with what to order until she noticed Fleur tensing beside her. A group of three boys came up behind them to stand in line. One was very obviously eyeing Fleur, while the other two were preoccupied with their phones. “You know him?” Tonks whispered. 

“No. I just don’t like having boys directly behind me.”

Tonks could guess. At the moment, the two of them were the perfect opposites of each other; Fleur wearing a light beige coat, tight jeans and light brown high heeled boots, and Tonks in her black leather jacket, short pink hair, and heavy combat boots. Tonks moved behind her, making Fleur smile slightly. There was an odd fluttery sensation in Tonk’s stomach; had she eaten something weird? It was too early to be the baby, surely. 

A hand suddenly snaked around Tonks to tap Fleur on the shoulder. “What’s your name?” the boy asked. One of his friends ignored him while the other shook his head in exasperation. 

“Did you want something?” Fleur asked in a sweet tone spoken through gritted teeth. It was almost their turn to order, and Tonks used the excuse to guide Fleur further ahead to cover her more. 

“I love your accent. Where are you from?” 

“Genosha,” Fleur said and walked up to the register to order. 

“Cool. I’ve been there on holiday with my parents.”

Tonks struggled not to laugh as she ordered her cappuccino. “Have you really?” Fleur responded, not looking his way as she and Tonks walked to the other end of the counter to wait for their drinks. “It’s not a very touristy country.”

“Well, we like to explore the world, not just do tourist things. I’ve been to Nepal and India too. Going back to Asia for the summer.” 

Fleur bit her lips shut and rolled her eyes so that Tonks could see. “All of Asia? Cool.”

“Vietnam.”

“That is in Asia.”

The barista placed their drinks on the counter, and Fleur quickly grabbed Tonks by the arm and hurried back towards the door. “Wait! What’s your name?”

“Vatefaire Foutre!” she called out, and by the confused look on his face, he’d never be able to look it up. “You speak French?” Fleur asked as they exited to the cold. She didn’t let go of Tonk’s arm, but despite having just made friends with her, she found she didn’t mind.

“Enough. You like Marvel? 

Fleur shrugged. “I suppose.” She smiled and took a careful sip of her coffee. As she swallowed, she suddenly remembered that she wasn’t actually supposed to have coffee. Despite everything, the whole baby situation hadn’t seemed that real to her yet. She hadn’t had morning sickness or been bothered otherwise, except having to pee all the time. All that confirmed there was life inside her was a stick with two blue lines. She took a pretend sip of her coffee. “What are you up to now?” Fleur asked. 

“Figured I’d go to the library and do some work before the next class. Want to come with?” 

“Yeah. Classes just started and I already feel behind.” 

Tonks was going to respond with something along the lines of feeling the same, but was distracted by the sudden appearance of Professor Lupin. He was texting someone with a stupid grin on his face. He better not have knocked her up then gone and found himself a date immediately after. Why that idea bothered her so much, she didn’t particularly want to explore. 

When he put away his phone, he noticed her and formed an awkward smile. “I have to speak with Professor Lupin for a sec. See you on the third floor?” She feared somehow Fleur would know exactly what this was about just from that, but she simply agreed and left for the library. And as Tonks headed for Lupin, the already awkward smile got even more strained.

“Hi, Professor Lupin.”

“Hi.”

“So,” she began with pained cheer in her voice. “I’m going to the doctor to get a check-up soon.” She didn’t want to say the B word in public. “I felt I should ask you if there’s anything I need to bring up with them…” She faltered as Lupin’s grimace turned into something else; his lips a straight line and his eyes narrowed with concern. “You could come with if you want to. It’s on February 26th, in the afternoon.”

He was still for hour-long seconds, then he nodded. “Yes, I think it might be a good idea if I join. Where is it?”

“I’ll email the address.”

“I-I have class, if there’s anything else-”

“No. Go! Don’t let me hold you up.”

He made a small wave goodbye before beelining towards the other side of the corridor and up the stairs. Tonks took a deep breath and a long sip of coffee – then remembering again she wasn’t supposed to have it, spit it back into the cup - before she headed for the library. When she entered, the stairwell looked claustrophobic and insurmountable, and blaming the baby, she took the elevator. That Lupin had actually wanted to come along had thrown her for a loop. The earlier rejection had been so hard and certain, but perhaps he’d just been in shock. Perhaps he actually wanted the baby. But that would ruin everything she had planned. Sirius was going to have this baby. 

Her mind didn’t settle down until the lift reached the third floor and spotted Fleur. The library was quiet still, the semester having only started. A group was sat on the computers in the corner discussing something a little too loudly, and someone was eating something that smelled like bad pizza, but Fleur was sat close to the entrance. She was switching between pouting and biting her lips as the uni’s slow computer was setting up, and it was unfair how good she looked with that messy bun she’d put her hair into. When she turned and saw Tonks, she smiled wide - Tonks had never noticed the dimples in her cheeks before - and the pit in her stomach subsided.


	5. Chapter 5

The overly happy images on the pale yellow wall bothered Sirius. They didn’t match the mood in the room. At least not the mood of him, Dora and Andromeda. Ted seemed fine as he inspected a model of someone’s insides, picking up the little model fetus and then having trouble putting it back in. The door to the waiting room opened and a very flustered Remus came in. “I’m not very late, am I?” he asked cautiously as he approached them. 

“We were just here early,” Dora said, with a sharp glare stopping her mother from saying whatever she had planned on saying. “This is my parents, and this is my uncle, Sirius.”

Awkward handshakes ensued, once again except for Ted, who seemed impressed with Remus’ height, putting his hand up to compare them, the slightly short Ted only reaching him to his nose. “This’ll be a tall kid, won’t it?” he said, smiling excitedly. 

“Sirius and I’ve already met,” he said as he got to Sirius’ hand. Their shake was awkward for an entirely different reason. He gauged Remus’ height, which he hadn’t thought much about, what with it being pretty much the same as his own. However, as none of the Tonks’ came close to reaching six food, he supposed he was impressive. “You didn’t tell them?” Remus asked as he noticed Dora’s confused look. 

“I was trying to make you look better by making them think you came around on your own, but if you want them to hate you, go right ahead.”

“Nobody hates you,” Dora said quickly.

“Somebody surely does,” Andromeda said coolly.

“You know what, mum; you can stay out here in the waiting room!” 

“I will not stay here! I am coming in with you!”

“Not when you’re treating Remus that way.”

Ted snuck past his bickering wife and daughter and put on a sheepish grin as he brought Remus and Sirius out of immediate danger of being struck by manicured nails attached to arms flailing with anger. “They have a fiery relationship those two,” he said, looking at once a bit embarrassed and far too used to the situation. 

The argument continued until the door to the doctor’s office was opened, and Lily peeked out together with another patient. Being her last appointment of the day and alone in the waiting room, Dora and Andromeda had clearly forgotten strangers might be there, and had the decency to look ashamed as the poor, heavily pregnant woman walk past them and left in a hurry. “Anyone else I would have called security,” Lily said, only half joking. “Dora, who do you want to come inside.”

“Everyone, if a certain someone can stay quiet.” She gave her mother a pointed look, who sighed overdramatically in response, and walked in past her daughter. Lily had prepared for the undoubtedly larger than normal gathering with mismatching chairs. 

“I think we’ll do the gynecological exam last when everyone’s seen the baby on the ultrasound and heard the heartbeat,” Lily said as she motioned for Dora to sit on the examination table. She and Lily spoke to one another about things Sirius didn’t really care to listen to at the moment, being all about Dora’s general wellbeing which he already knew was good. He watched Remus instead, who was either clinging to every word or not hearing them at all. He was focused on something, but it might very well be on trying not to panic. 

“Are there any health issues we should be concerned about? Something that runs in either of your families?” Lily asked. 

“Nothing I can think of in ours,” Andromeda said. 

“Despite all the inbreeding,” Sirius said, unable to help himself. Remus looked curious and horrified, waiting for someone to tell him it was a joke and only meeting stony faces. “Dora’s not,” Sirius added. “Only Dromeda and me.”

“Good to know,” Remus said, holding his smile for all of ten seconds before it fell back into a frown. “I was quite sickly as a child. I was a preemie and my lungs weren’t well developed. Not sure if things like that are genetic?”

“Normally not, but it might be potentially, depending on the reason. Your mother didn’t smoke or drink during the pregnancy? Consume excessive amounts of caffeine?” He shook his head, making Lily frown. “I’ll take note of it,” Lily said. 

Andromeda started making a comment, but Ted put a hand on her knee, stopping her, though she hardly looked happy about it. Lily, quickly picking up on the tension in the room, started setting up the ultrasound. “Will we able to see the gender?” Ted asked. 

“Not until the next appointment, if he or she will allow us a look. They don’t always.”

“It’s not necessary anyhow,” Dora said. “This child won’t be raised with any gender expectations. I’ll make sure of that. One way or another.” She gave Sirius a look while the rest were too captivated with the screen. 

They hadn’t talked to anyone about the possibility of Sirius adopting the baby, deciding to wait until it was determined the baby was healthy and for Remus to figure out his place in everything. And so Sirius was trying to detach himself even now, not wanting to consider the possibility of the baby being his, because if he did it’d break his heart if it didn’t happen. And so he didn’t look at the screen when everyone else gasped at what was most likely impossible to tell was a baby, or made sounds like they were seeing an adorable puppy when they heard the heartbeat Lily said it sounded strong and healthy. 

Even Remus seemed touched by the sight, staring wide-eyed at the screen as the heartbeat sounded throughout the room. Perhaps Remus wanted to be part of his child’s life after all, which was probably better anyhow. Sirius should wait until he found someone and have a child with them, instead of becoming a single parent. 

“I’ll be giving Dora a gynecological exam now, so if everyone could leave the room please.”

“Mum, will you stay?” Dora asked pleadingly as her mother stood to leave.

“Of course I am. I was just moving the chair.” 

Everyone else was shooed out of the room and Sirius and Ted settled back on the chairs in the waiting room. “Where’s the loo?” Remus asked, looking distracted and he shifted from one foot to the other. 

“It was just down the hall,” Sirius explained, and Remus mouthed a thanks before leaving. 

As the waiting room door closed behind him, Ted leaned in closer to Sirius. “What do you think about him?” Ted asked.

“I don’t know. He seems alright. Just scared shitless.”

Ted nodded, biting his lips as he thought. “He seems like a good kid.”

“Kid? He’s my age.”

“You’re a kid too,” Ted said, smiling. “Look, it’s not a good situation by any means, but nothing will get better by sitting around being upset and putting blame on people. I’m having a grandchild, and it would have been great in other circumstances, so it’s going to be great under these circumstances.”

Sirius hadn’t taken Ted and Andromeda into account. Of course they were excited about the baby too. Maybe they’d even want if Dora didn’t. “Ever wondered if you’re too positive, Ted?” he asked.

“Never bothered me before.”

“I’m going down to the costa ‘cross the street. Meet me there if you finish before I get back?”

“Just stay there. I’ll need a coffee after this too.”

He nodded and walked out, stopping by the loo, considering whether to wait for Remus and ask if he wanted to come along. While standing there, he heard a sniffle. He didn’t really want to deal with another person’s issues – his own were enough – but he braced himself and opened the door. Standing over the sinks was a red-eyed Remus, holding some paper towels to his nose. “Bet I can’t convince you I’m having an allergic reaction to something?” he said, his voice hoarse. 

“Want to come grab a coffee with me?” Sirius asked, feeling that need to help this man again like he had when coming to his house. Remus nodded and after splashing his face with a handful of water came to join him. 

Once they had their coffees, they sat by the wall away from the crowd in awkward silence, the only conversation was that of the group of uni students on the table next to theirs. “So,” Sirius began, but faltered when he realized he hadn’t actually thought of anything to say. “Decided whether you are gay or not?” 

Remus choked on his tea. “I hoped you’d forgotten that.”

“You were the drunk one, not me.”

“I apologize for that whole night. I made you say some really private things about yourself too. You should have just refused. Drunk me is very understanding.”

Sirius took a sip of his cappuccino and shrugged. “I didn’t mind. You were very understanding and supportive. I kind of needed that after all the shitty dates I’ve been on lately. I’d lost hope there were nice people in this world.” He hoped he wouldn’t take that as flirting. It wasn’t until he said it that he realized it could be interpreted as such, though Remus made no signs that he had, only staring blankly at his cup. 

“You’ll find someone, I’m sure.”

“Have you decided, then?”

“If I’m gay? I’m bisexual. There’s no deciding about anything.”

“I meant about the baby. Are you going to be in his or her life?”

Remus nervously chewed on the lid of his cup, talking through nearly gritted teeth. “Don’t know yet. I just wanted to…” He seemed to realize he was mumbling and put the cup down. “I just wanted to make sure everything was alright, and that they had whatever medical information they needed. I’ll tell Dora about the clinical depression another time. That’s more up to her to help out with than the doctor.”

“Are you back on your meds?”

He nodded. The nervousness had moved to his fingers, and he was gently pushing the lid on and off with his thumbs. “Only for a week, so they haven’t taken full effect yet, but I’m already feeling a bit more like myself.” 

“That’s good.”

“And I haven’t had any alcohol since the night at my place. Won’t have any at all anymore I’ve decided.”

“Even better.” He popped the lid off a bit too hard and it flew off the cup and landed on the other side of the table by Sirius. “Sounds to me like you’re fit to parent now. So what’s holding you back? Because you looked just as in awe of that little peanut shaped blob as the rest of them, so it’s not like you don’t want it at all.”

“Just because I want something doesn’t mean I should have it. I’m trying to think about what’s best for the baby, and I’m not it. What if I have a depressive episode and miss something important? Or just can’t have him or her over for the weekend? And what if I get so bad I attempt to kill myself again and succeed this time? Nobody should have to go through someone they love doing that to them. And you know children. Blame themselves for everything even though it’s just their parents fucking up.”

Sirius knew that well from personal experience. He’d always think it was something he’d done wrong when his parents were upset with him, even when it was about nothing. It had taken a long time for him to understand it was all on them. “You said you haven’t been suicidal since you were a teen. Is that true?” Remus nodded reluctantly. “That’s a long fucking time.” Without thinking, he took Remus’ hand in his. It was clammy from fear, and shifted in his palm to grab his hand back, holding on tightly for a moment until he seemed to realize what he was doing and pulled back as if he was the one who initiated it. 

“Sorry.” They said in unison, and they both laughed, surprised to be doing so. 

“It has been a long fucking time,” Remus conceded. 

“Would you ever physically harm this child? Or be angry and shout at it for no reason? Or belittle it if they don’t turn out how you wanted them to?”

“Of course not!”

“And you seem pretty concerned for their wellbeing already, so that tells me you’re not going to be a shit dad, as much as you’re afraid you’ll be. If you make sure to keep up with your mental health, taking your meds and going regularly to doctors, I don’t see it being that huge of a problem, will it? And if you can’t afford it, Dromeda has a shit-ton of money, more than she can spend.”

“I’m not comfortable with that.”

“I understand, and she’ll bitch about it for sure, but helping you be a good father is hardly a waste of money. Even she’ll agree to that.”

He was pushing him, but he needed to know. Was he allowed to get attached to this baby? Could he finally paint the walls and decorate that heartbreakingly empty bedroom across the hall from his? Remus grasped his hair. “I just don’t know.”

Before anything else could be said, Sirius saw out of the corner of his eye the vibrant pink of Dora’s hair and they both turned to face her. Ted and Andromeda was at the till, ordering coffee. “You two look chummy,” she said. It was meant to sound like a joke, he could tell, but there was a bitterness to it. 

“We bonded a bit last time we met,” Remus explained and moved his chair to make room for the others. “Want to talk for a bit?” he asked her, and she nodded reluctantly. 

All five of them sat as a group for a while, listening to how the rest of the appointment had gone, before Remus and Dora went off without them. Sirius decided to go back on his own rather than eat with his cousin and her husband. He needed time alone, and got home as soon as he could and cuddled up with the cat. He prepared for another night on the couch, feeling like he couldn’t even go upstairs anymore. Nowhere near that room. 

***

“What’s going on with you and Sirius?” Dora asked. He had agreed to talk in his flat, but regretted it when they entered it. He kept forgetting how clutter followed him around even though he’d tied up only a few days ago. Having been preoccupied with that, he was very taken aback by the question and stuttered.

“W-what are you talking about?” 

“Is something actually going on?” she asked, raising her dark brows.

“No. We got to talking about some personal things when he came here and we bonded a bit. That’s all. What would be going on?”

“I dunno. He’s very attractive.” 

“And?”

“And? You’re bisexual.”

He startled and choked on air. “How do you know?” he said, his tone far more composed than his panicked mind. 

“You told me. When you were pissed.”

“Fuck.” He wanted a drink again, but at least now being on medication stopped him. “It’s irrelevant.” And it wasn’t like Sirius would be into him. “I wanted to talk about something actually pertinent.”

“What’s that?”

He took a moment to breathe slowly, calming his nerves, though it hardly worked. “The reason I was so against you having this baby is because I have clinical depression, as does a few of my other family members. It’s something you should be concerned about for the baby.”

“You’re not concerned about it?”

“I still don’t know.” She stared at him, expecting more no doubt. An explanation probably, but he had none. “This disease… it’s been terrible not only for me, but my parents as well. They had to see me suffer every day. They had to see their son committed to a psychiatric ward. See him try to commit suicide.” She winced at that, but said nothing. “I would hate to be responsible for someone else feeling the pain that I felt. Even if it’s not guaranteed, he’s going to be more susceptible, and if there is even the slightest chance-”

“Well, thanks for letting me know. Was that it?” She didn’t wait for him to say anything before turning on her heel and storming out, leaving him dumbfounded to stare at his closed front door. He’d expected a much longer conversation, and really, he had more things to say, but she’d looked hurt and in tears, and so he didn’t want to run after her and push the conversation further. 

After changing into comfortable home-clothes, he reheated some takeaway and settled on the sofa to eat it while continuing Black Mirror. He hadn’t seen an episode of it since Sirius had been there, and had to stop watching. The episode left him with a bad feeling in his gut, and he’d had enough of that feeling in his actual life. His mother texted him, making sure he was okay because she hadn’t heard from him in a while. He just told her he’d been busy with the start of the new semester. It had in fact been quiet, what with all the classes being rather relaxed for the moment. It wasn’t until March that it would pick up. 

He got another message and picked up his phone, thinking it was his mother again, but instead it was Sirius. It only asked how he was doing. It took fifteen minutes to type not sure. Before he could put it back down, the phone rang, and he nearly dropped it in surprise. Not only was he calling, but he was using facetime. Remus straightened his hair and made sure there was no mess behind him before answering. 

“Why are you calling?” Remus asked. 

Sirius was lying with his head on a large, red pillow, black hair splayed about him. “Because I figured you’d want to talk,” he said. “That not sure sounded kind of down.”

“It was text. It couldn’t have sounded like anything.”

“Well, your texts are unusually loud,” Sirius said, smirking. “How are you really feeling?”

“Weighed down.”

“Deep. Want to elaborate?”

“People are expecting things of me. It’s the worst kind of feeling,” Remus explained, forcing the corners of his mouth to form a smile. 

“Is it really?” He smiled a concerned, but far more genuine smile, back. 

“I love my parents a lot,” he started, pausing to think, and Sirius waited patiently. “But sometimes I wish they weren’t around anymore, so that I didn’t have to take them into consideration. I’m thinking about how excited they would be about a grandchild, but also about how disappointed in me they would be if they found out how he or she came to be. And telling them terrifies me.”

“Life certainly would be easier if you had nobody, but that sounds awfully lonely to me.”

“Maybe being alone is better.”

“It’s not. Trust me.”

“Are you lonely?”

“So fucking lonely.”

“I’m sorry.”

“All I’ve got is my cat. He doesn’t have any expectations of me though, except to be fed and cuddled.” He reached his arm out, causing the camera to shake, and brought back a big, gray, tabby cat that seemed to be completely unbothered by the rough handling and simply settled in the crook of Sirius’ neck. 

“It’s adorable. What’s its name?”

“He doesn’t have one. He was just a stray I picked up and fed and then it decided to live here with me. Somehow hasn’t felt like my place to name him, you know.”

“I love cats,” Remus said. “I used to have several growing up.” Some were strays; some had been there from birth until death. When he moved out, his parents had never gotten another one, and he could bring himself to get one himself. 

“I never got to have pets. I really wanted a dog, but my parents hated them. I decided to get one when I grew up, but it’s never been the right time. Don’t want it to be home alone all day while I’m at work. The cat is working out well.”

“They’re good company.” There was silence as Sirius gave the tabby cat a kiss and it decided to lick Sirius’ hair in response, but ended up tangling it. “Dora seems to think there is a thing between us,” Remus said, so sudden it surprised himself. 

Sirius looked straight at the phone, into what would have been his eyes if they spoke in person. It was a bit comical as his hair still stood up at one side where the cat had licked him. “Does she?”

“I don’t know where she got that impression. It’s sort of ridiculous anyhow. You can obviously do much better than me.”

“Quite self-deprecating, aren’t you? You’re a smart, nice and good-looking bloke. And as I still don’t like kissing at the age of 34, I’d say you’re not out of my league.”

“I’m not good-looking, and you haven’t seen me be very nice. I’ll give you smart. I am very smart.”

Sirius laughed. “If the circumstances were different, I do think I would like you, Remus Lupin. I might’ve even asked you out on date.”

“If the circumstances were different, I probably would have said yes.” Remus felt his face heat up, and moved to a darker spot so that Sirius wouldn’t see the blush. He hated that he blushed so easily. 

“Fucking circumstances.” Sirius sighed loudly, stirring the cat that moved to lay over half his face. “Would you like to talk tomorrow? In person?”

Remus felt he ought to say no, especially after what had just been said, but it just wouldn’t leave his mouth. “Alright.”

***  
On the third floor of the library, there was an unlocked storage room Tonks had accidentally found out about during her first year. When she had nowhere else to go and papers due, there was no better place to cry it out. She wondered if other students knew about it and had crying fits in there too. At some point, she called Lily. She had to ask if it was true. Was clinical depression genetic? Was the baby doomed to that kind of life? Was it doomed to break Sirius’ heart somewhere down the line, and would that be her fault? Lily managed to calm her down some, said that nothing of the sort was proven, and that correlations could be due to upbringing rather than genetics. Then she made the mistake of telling her not to Google anything. Naturally, that was the first thing she did when she hung up, and had to wonder if Google was better off not existing. She was sure she’d pass her assignments somehow. 

Speaking of, she had to start her paper. She left her crying room to find a computer. 

At the far end of the room, she spotted a now familiar messy bun of blonde hair. There were four empty Costa cups on her table, as well as two banana peels and the remnants of a bunch of grapes. Fleur took more classes than she did, and had to be going insane with the pressure. “You okay?” she asked and Fleur startled, but looked happy to see her. 

“Yes. I’m trying to finish this paper before I start the next one. Or jump off the roof.” Joking about suicide suddenly wasn’t that funny. Fleur seemed to notice her strange mood, and frowned at her. “Are you okay?”

Tonks nodded. “I’m fine. What’s that?” she asked and pointed to a small pile of pamphlets at the side of her computer screen. She hoped it would distract her. 

“I’m looking at universities in the US,” she explained. “I want to take my master’s there. In international law.”

“Why international law?”

“I want to help people.” She flicked her fingers at the papers as she chewed her lips. “My best friend growing up, her family were refugees from Somalia. They were denied residency in France and had to move. I don’t even know why, but somehow I felt I could have done more to help her stay.” There was a far off look in her eyes as she spoke, but she returned abruptly to reality. “Anyway, I want to help refugees and people, usually women, without means to hire any reputable lawyer themselves, with legal advice and such.”

“That’s amazing.” 

She shrugged. “Somebody needs to do it.” 

Tonks had never given why she wanted to become a lawyer much thought. It had mainly been because she thought it sounded cool. That she could use her to degree to help people hadn’t even occurred to her. “It would be cool to do something like that,” she said. Not like that was something she could thing about yet. “Fuck.” She was crying again. The hormones had to be to blame. 

“What’s the matter?” she asked, sounding more frustrated that Tonks wouldn’t just come out with it than concerned. Somehow that was the tone needed to get her talking. She spilled everything while sobbing right there in the library. Fleur only ever looked away to glare at people staring at them. 

When she was done and it all was out there, Fleur simply nodded, and kept nodding. She was simply nodding for what had to be a whole minute. 

“You got anything to say?” 

“Should I say anything?”

“I dunno.” 

Fleur stroked her soft, perfectly manicured fingers through Dora’s hair, and her heart beat faster. Fleur was pretty. Very pretty. “It’s fine, Tonks.” Fuck.


	6. Chapter 6

While Sirius had loved people dearly, platonically and romantically, he had never had a crush before. The notion had always been ridiculous to him, who needed months, if not years, to really build an emotional connection with someone enough to fall for them. He had never understood how James had known so quickly that Lily was the one, but now he was starting to understand that feeling. 

He suspected it was because there were no walls between him and Remus. He, who never had opened up to anyone, had been caught unawares that first night with him, and revealed his deepest darkest secrets that it had taken him over a year to reveal to his previous boyfriend. But Remus simply took everything in stride. 

The night after talking on the phone, Remus had come over to his place. He’d pet the cat and informed him it was in fact a girl. Then Sirius had cooked for him, because it was so rare for him to be able to cook for someone, and Remus looked like he needed a few good meals. They’d sat in the kitchen, even though Sirius had planned to set the table in the dining room, but they had never made it that far, caught up in silly conversation. 

Then they had gone to the living-room and somehow their childhoods had come up and Sirius opened up in more detail about his abuse at home, and Remus had taken his hand and let him talk and cry without saying a word. He’d told him about how his father had started to beat him, never in places that could be seen, and paid of the headmaster of his elementary school not to report it. And how his mother had always belittled him and called him worthless. Some of the details he wondered if he’d even told James about. 

Remus had talked about how he’d been bullied at school and how it had worsened his already fragile mental state, and how it had resulted in his attempted suicide. That day Remus had told his parents he had a headache, and because they knew he didn’t have an easy time at school, they had let him stay home often without questioning it. But that day his father had sensed something was wrong and come home just in time to save his son. Sirius was incredibly grateful to this man he’d never met. 

They’d sat teary-eyed and hugged for a long time, until the cat had come up to them, upset at being left out of the cuddling, and they had both burst into a fit of laughter. After that they had played board games until there were no longer any trains running and Remus had crashed on the couch and Sirius had slept on his bed for the first time in a while and found himself wishing Remus was in it with him. 

And the next morning he had woken up and seen Remus sleeping with the cat curled up under his chin and there was sensation in his stomach like he was on a rollercoaster and had just been dropped from the highest peak. He settled for making breakfast instead, as it was Saturday morning and neither of them had anywhere to be. He’d made a full English breakfast, and once again they sat in the kitchen, Remus looking adorable with his sleepy face and rumpled clothing. 

They had gone out for a late lunch, to a local pub and spent three hours there, more talking than eating, and Remus had gone home after to prepare something or other for a class. It was sort of said that perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to see each other anymore, but then on Sunday afternoon Remus had texted and they had met again in the city, and when Remus had looked at him when he arrived and smiled with his whole face, his stomach seemed to think he was back on the rollercoaster.

“You’re in love, mate,” James said. “Isn’t he, Harry?” Harry nodded enthusiastically where he sat in his father’s lap, though he was very much preoccupied by the dinosaur he was holding. Nevertheless, James gave him a big, loud, kiss on the cheek, making the boy giggle. Lily brought in the takeaway Thai food, laughing at her husband and son.

“Not the ideal person to fall in love with,” Lily said. 

James put Harry in his lap and jumped up to help her set the food on the table. “The man who impregnated his cousin’s daughter? Don’t see why that would be a problem.” James smirked at them both and retrieved Harry as he sat. 

“It’s not only that,” Sirius said. Lily sat across from his, watching him curiously as she waited for him to continue. “Remus is unsure whether he wants to be part of this baby’s life because he reckons he won’t be a very good father, for a variety of reasons, and I understand them.”

“And if you start dating him, it’ll be weird since he’ll be quite close to his child still?” James asked.

“No. Because if he doesn’t want to be part of the baby’s life, Dora and I spoke about me adopting it.” The room fell silent besides Harry’s mumbling as his dinosaur took pretend bites of his food. “Any thoughts?”

“So, basically, if he wants to be part of the baby’s life, you can keep dating, and you’ll see the baby, but it won’t be yours. And if he doesn’t want to be in the baby’s life, you get the baby, but no Remus?”

“Well summarized, Prongs.”

“And you want that baby really bad,” Lily said. 

“I don’t know how to talk to him about it either. I can’t go up to him and say, ‘Hey, I realize we haven’t been on a date or even officially acknowledged our feelings for each other, but please let me have your baby and then date me with the hope we’ll get married soon, and then we both have the baby, unless we break up, and the baby is mine still’. That’s mental.” 

“A bit mental, yeah,” James supplemented.

“Acknowledge feelings. Go on date. Then ask?” Lily suggested, though her expression looked uncertain. 

“Padfoot, if this guy has such a problem with kids, is he really the guy for you? That’s a pretty big deal breaker. And even if you get the one, will he want more? Wasn’t three your goal?”

“Just the one will do. Sometimes life has different plans for you. You should know that better than anyone, what with that knee injury of yours changing your whole life.”

“And it was for the better in the end,” Lily said. Always positive and happy James had been downright depressed when he five years ago had to end his career early when his knee was crushed to bits in a match. He’d reached some fame, but with his short lived career, it was not enough to become a coach, and he couldn’t walk on his leg regardless, making everything difficult. But he’d endured physical therapy, reeducated himself, and when Harry came along, nothing could wipe that stupid grin of his off once more. 

“You’re right,” he said, giving Harry another big loud kiss. Sirius was so jealous it hurt. 

***

Remus took the train from London to Cardiff, then the hour long bus ride, that would have taken half the time if he drove himself, to his parents home. His father was standing outside when he arrived, taking his shopping out of the back of their small car. When he saw Remus he jumped, dropping the pack of paper towels he was holding, and Remus picked it up. “Fucking hell, boy!” he said, laughing. “Scared me half to death. What are you doing all the way up here?”

“Just wanted to talk for a bit.” 

“Remus?” his mother called out as she stormed out the door. “Are you alright? Why are you here?” she asked in a single breath as she came up and wrapped him in a tight hug. 

“Said he wanted to talk,” his father said. Once his mother had released him, he dumped half the shopping bags on him, and he allowed his mother to fuss as they went inside. 

Even in her hurry, his mother had remembered to put the kettle on, and put out a few chocolate biscuits that Remus loved. He felt he didn’t deserve them. “I’ve gone back on my meds,” he said as his parents settled in the seating area together with him. He figured it best to start with the easiest bit, and god help him, that was the easiest bit. 

“I thought you might,” his father said. “You weren’t quite yourself when you were here for Christmas.”

“Has it been bad? Do you need some time away? Is that why you’re here?”

“Sort of. I have a long weekend. Thought I’d stay until Monday evening if that’s alright with you.”

“Of course it is,” his father said. “But you could let us know next time, perhaps. To prevent heart attacks.”

“I’m sorry. Spur of a moment thing.”

“Stay as long as you’d like, dear.”

“There’s more though. Not sure where to start. Things have been pretty fucked up.” It certainly said something about the situation when his mother didn’t care to correct his language. He braced himself and explained about what had happened with Dora, about how he’d got a vasectomy because he’d been scared she’d gotten pregnant and then she’d gotten pregnant after all. He’d planned to not mention the age difference and the fact she was a student for the moment, but it came out when his mother asked too many questions, and his parents fell utterly silent. 

Many times growing up he’d imagined his parents were disappointed with him. In hindsight, he’d realized they had been no such thing. So for the first time, he felt how it really was. His mother looked like she might cry, and his father looked angry.

“How could you take advantage of a young girl like that?”

“I hardly took advantage of her! She’d had far less to drink than me. I barely knew what was happening.”

“Alright, but how are you even considering not being part of this baby’s life? You created it and you have to take responsibility for it.”

“I didn’t decide for it to exist. I tried to get her to have an abortion but she wouldn’t listen.”

“Well even if you don’t want to be part of his or her life, I want to be. Please tell this girl as much. It’s my grandchild after all, and I want to get to know them.”

“And Remus, even if your mental illness does affect you being a parent, I can’t imagine that being worse than how this child would feel if you abandoned it. If anything, you could help them if they were to experience something similar to you.”

Remus nodded, not having thought about this before. If she was going to insist on having this child, and it were to inherit the same illness as him, who would be better to notice or to understand? Though honestly he was sure Sirius would do a swell job of it too, having experienced similar things himself, and had gotten through them better than Remus had. And Sirius was also something he had to consider. 

That evening’s dinner was awkward and quiet. His mother had cried and told him off some more, with his father sitting next to her looking like he’d be saying the exact same things if she wasn’t there to say them for them both. 

He went to bed early, hoping the air would be cleared in the morning. However, he was unable to sleep, what with his mind running a mile a second. The buzzing of his phone was a welcome distraction. Free to talk? Like he was ever busy. He rang Sirius, who answered in his customary position, lying on the couch with the cat on his chest. “Where are you?” he asked, and Remus wondered at what point they had started to memorize each other’s backgrounds. 

“I’m in Wales,” he explained. 

“The hell you doing there?”

“Seeing my parents for a bit.”

“Is that why you got an accent all of a sudden?”

“No matter how hard I resist, it comes back the second I cross the border. It’s very strange.”

“I like it. You should keep it when you return,” Sirius said and Remus felt himself blush again. Unfortunately, his childhood room was well lit without any corners to hide it, making it very apparent. “Is that a Queen poster on the wall?”

Eager to get the attention off himself, Remus tilted the phone so that Sirius had a full view of the large Queen poster stapled to the door of his built in wardrobe. “I’ve always been a big fan of Queen,” he explained, still not daring to put himself too much into frame. “The Beatles too.” Tilting his phone again, he showed Sirius the Magical Mystery Tour poster and its vinyl counterpart below it, signed by McCartney and Ringo, leaning against a beat up old turntable once belonging to his mother. It was standing on a wooden shelf lined full of old vinyls. Records he’d either gotten from his family members or bought for cheap second hand. 

“Remus Lupin, are you a music geek?”

“When I’m well mentally, I am. I just haven’t been for a while, so there is little evidence of it in my home. Though I am sure I have some classics tucked away under all that clutter.”

“Why only when you’re well? I thought music would help.”

“Not me. I’d fall into strange dissociative trances when listening to I am the Walrus.”

“Well fuck, of course you would. It’s the world’s trippiest song.”

“It’s my favorite.”

“Are you for real? So many beautiful songs and your favorite is the one that makes you feel you’re on an acid trip?”

“And what quality music did you listen to?”

“Doubt it’s in your collection, but Sex Pistols and the Ramones for-” He stopped as Remus pulled out Never Mind the Bollocks. “Is that signed?”

“Allegedly. Dad and I got the Mystery Tour one signed personally when we went to a show, but this used to belong to my uncle. I doubt he’d be so willing to part with it if it really was signed by Johnny Rotten. It’s a good forgery though.” He put it back carefully, just in case. “Don’t got Ramones here though. Sorry. I think it’s at my flat.”

“I’m falling in love all over again.”

“Shut up. Or maybe not.”

“Not?”

“Um, I told my parents about the kid. That’s why I’m here.”

“How did they take it?”

“There was some shouting and crying, but I think it will have settled by tomorrow. I’ll be sticking around. I think I had decided before I came here, otherwise I wouldn’t have told them, but now my mum won’t let me do anything else. I’ll try to be a good dad.” Sirius said nothing for a long time, looking deep in thought and it made him anxious. All this time Sirius had been so determined for him to make a decision, this particular decision no less, and now that he had, he had nothing to say. 

“Good,” he said at last. “You’ll be a good father.”

“And what about… you and me. I contemplated telling my parents I was sort of dating a man now, but I’m not sure I actually am.”

His body unclenched as Sirius broke into a massive grin. “I’m not sure either. Are you?”

Feeling a bit giddy, a delightful feeling after his day full of dread, he plopped down on his bed was sort of okay that his cheeks were bright red. “Well, you see, I would have kissed this man last time we met, but he told me he wasn’t into that, so I respected that. It does make determining if something is a date or not a little difficult without actually talking about it though, which we didn’t do.”

“That’s not very bright of you.”

“It’s not, is it?”

“I would have liked for it to be a date.”

“Me too.” 

“In that case, how about a proper one?”

Remus swallowed heavily. “Do you really want to go on a date with me?” he asked. “After everything you’ve learnt about me?”

“All of what I’ve learnt about you is why I’m asking you out, you git. Go on a date with me, please.” He was smiling lazily, totally expecting a yes, Remus realized. Not that he was wrong. 

“Alright. Let’s go on a proper date.”

“Can’t wait.”

When they hung up an hour later, Remus lay in bed, staring at the ceiling with a grin on his face. This felt different from everything he’d ever felt before, the idea of being with Sirius. No one else had felt so right, felt so hard to bear the thought of losing, and it was scary. He might have found the one at last.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the only chapter I'd like to preface with something. Sirius' asexuality is based heavily on my own (as is Remus' depression). It's a broad spectrum and all have different comfort levels. I also have kiss repulsion, more so than sex repulsion, and it's something I never see in fics. Even ace character fics, and I just wanted to bring some attention to that also existing. That is all. Continue.

Remus had barely exited from the Leicester Square underground when he was pounced by Sirius, looking unfairly hot with his hair tied back in a stupid man bun and wearing his leather jacket over a casual suit. “Remus,” he said excitedly as he hugged him. “I’m so sorry,” he said immediately after. 

“Why? Do you have to cancel?” Remus asked, still a bit dumbfounded by the sudden greeting. They had planned to meet at the restaurant, not at the underground entrance. Not that he minded. The more time with Sirius, the better. 

“No, but I don’t blame you if you want to. This might have accidentally become a double date,” he said, grimacing. He took Remus’ hand and led them towards where they were going. “I wanted to warn you.”

“With who? Lily and James?”

“How’d you guess?” he asked, chuckling. 

“They are the only friends I’ve heard you talk about, so not that difficult of a guess.”

Sirius laughed. “Yes, I’ve become a bit pathetic socially. You included I only have about ten people I talk with regularly.”

“More than me.” Remus only had his parents and two relatively good friends, though he wasn't’ half as close with them as Sirius seemed to be with James and Lily. The rest were work acquaintances and friends of friends that he sort of knew but would never think to contact on his own. 

Sirius squeezed his hand tighter and smiled at him. “I’m not sure they have the best impression of you,” he started hesitantly. They had reached the restaurant, and Sirius stopped them at the corner from it, not wanting to walk in front of the windows. Inside, Remus spotted who he knew to be Lily. Even after only meeting her once, her red hair was quite the giveaway. Across from her sat a man with black, unruly hair and brown skin. Sirius had mentioned he used to be a famous football player, but Remus had never followed sports, and only knew him from the photographs he’d seen in Sirius’ home. 

“I’m excited to meet them regardless,” Remus said and tried to appear reassuring. He was actually quite nervous. It had become clear to him just from the little he’d been told that James’ opinion of him would matter a great deal. “They obviously mean a lot to you.”

“They are my family in all but blood,” Sirius said. 

They walked inside together, and sat at the table with Lily and James by the window. The restaurant wasn’t too busy, with only a few other guests. It was an Indian place, that took the Indian decor a bit to the extreme in Remus’ opinion, but Sirius claimed they had some of the best food in London. 

“It’s very nice to meet you again, Remus,” Lily said kindly and shook his hand. 

“Likewise,” Remus said. 

He reached out a hand to James as well, but it took James a moment to decide to actually shake his hand back. “James,” he said flatly. Lily was giving him a look, and Remus almost felt a tad of jealousy. Their silent argument was something he was hoping to have with someone someday. Perhaps Sirius. It was a silly idea, but he’d seen his parents do it all the time and never understood how. He looked at him, and tried to convey how he was feeling, though those feelings were meddled. 

Sirius gave him an apologetic look back, and Remus could swear he was telling him James would change his mind soon, and his heart skipped a beat because he was having one of those silent conversations. He’d never had that kind of a connection with anyone else he had dated. 

Mostly Lily kept the conversation up with safe small talk topics as they waited for the food they had ordered. They were from London and Surrey. They’d known each other since school; a boarding school located in Scotland. Sirius was best man at their wedding. They had a son named Harry. Remus was from Wales. He had gone to university in London and stayed. First to work as a solicitor at a large firm and then to teach. A waiter paused the conversation when she arrived with their food, and there were a few minutes of ohs and ahs at the fantastic looking and smelling meal in front of them.

“Why did you decide to teach instead?” Lily asked, innocently, certainly not expecting it to be such a laden question for Remus. 

“Simple answer or honest answer?” he asked, smirking. 

Sirius watched him curiously, and he realized this was one of the few topics that hadn’t come up in their many late night conversations about everything and nothing. “You don’t have to say anything,” Sirius said, noticing that he was uncomfortable, and it stupidly made him smile and feel warm inside. 

“I’d like to know the honest answer,” James said just as Lily said she agreed with Sirius.

“I had a mental breakdown because of the stress of the job. Luckily, I still had contact with some of my old professors, and one of them recommended me for a position at the university despite my young age.”

“Why did you become a solicitor in the first place then?” James pressed on, but this time there was some concern to his voice. Both Lily and Sirius glared at him, and he raised his arms in mock defense. “Never mind.”

“It’s alright,” Remus said and chuckled. He’d already said the part that bothered him to speak of. “It was a bit of a whim to be honest. I did well in school, but never actually gave much thought into what I wanted to do after. But I was good at memorization and public speaking, and a teacher suggested I study law. You can do several different things with a law degree, so it sounded like a good idea. When I started teaching I realized that was actually a much better fit and I should have aimed for that in the first place.”

“Glad you found your calling in the end,” Sirius said, smiling at him. 

“Me too. Though I probably would have ended up a primary school teacher if I’d realized sooner. Kids are far less trouble.” James frowned and bit his lip. “I think it would be better if you just said what you wanted to say,” Remus said and sighed. He’d been getting a lot of shit already. Some more wouldn’t matter. 

“Please don’t,” Lily groaned and Sirius nodded eagerly as he took a frustrated bite of food. 

“Well sorry for being concerned about some guy who would sleep with his student.”

“I was so drunk I was nearly unconscious and she was practically sober. How would you feel if our genders were reversed?” That shut him up, though he didn’t blame him for how he’d been thinking. Because Remus realize he himself most likely would have acted differently, had their genders been reversed. Truth be told, he didn’t feel violated even though he technically had been. If she’d only not gotten pregnant, it would have just been an embarrassing drunk story. But he was a tall man and she was a small girl he could have pushed away one handed. The other way around would have been terrifying. 

“And as for why I’ve been hesitant about taking responsibility for the baby,” he continued, deciding to tackle all the difficult subjects while they were at it. “It’s because I’ve got an array of mental issues, some of which are possibly hereditary, and ideally I’d prefer no child have to live through what I have. Or have a parent with my selection of issues. Anything else while we’re at it?”

“No,” James said and averted his eyes. “You don’t look very surprised,” he said to Lily.

Lily’s smile was strained to the point it looked painful. “Dora told me. She came to me crying because she was so worried after you told her,” she explained to Remus. He supposed that explained why she’d run out on him that quickly. He felt bad for having been annoyed with her for leaving. 

“Can we please put an end to this topic now?” Sirius said suddenly. He’d been quiet for most of the conversation, though having sat on his side, he hadn’t been able to pay much attention to his expression, but he was looking close to bursting with anger. “This was supposed to be our first proper date, you know!” he said through gritted teeth, trying to keep his voice down. “I only let you come along because you promised to not attack him and trust me that the situation wasn’t as black and white as you tried to make it out to be, because it wasn’t my place to tell you all of this. But no, you had to be a fucking twat!” Sirius looked around them, smiling an insincere apologetic smile to some of the nearby tables who were eying them. “We’ll shout next time we’re alone,” he said firmly. 

“Fine,” James said just as firmly. “And I’m sorry, Remus,” he added. “I’ve never been told any of this.”

“It’s fine. I don’t think I would have liked me either not knowing the circumstances.”

“If only I had known them,” James said pointedly at Lily mostly, but also Sirius. He got two blank stares in return. 

Their civil - if somewhat more awkward - conversations continued after this, and when dessert was over, Remus was quite glad to be going. As they paid and were ready to go, Lily went to the loo and Sirius looked longingly after her. “You may go as well,” Remus said. “I’m not afraid of James.”

“I’ll behave,” James said, pledging so with a hand on his heart. 

“I’ll be quick.” Sirius said, and Remus and James were left alone. 

“I’m sorry again,” James said. He looked calm and unguarded, which he hadn’t looked all night, which made Remus’ nerves settle. 

“And it’s really alright.”

“That said, I’m still not sure you’re right for Sirius.”

“How’s that?” Remus asked, trying not to sound too annoyed by that statement. 

“He wants a family. Desperately. He’s always on about how he wants kids. Two or three of them. He stayed with that asshole of an ex for way longer than he should have just so that he could have that. Can you give it to him?”

“I-I’ve got my kid coming.”

“And you’ll see him… every other weekend?”

“I don’t know. Dora and I haven’t discussed it.”

“You probably should.” Truth was, Remus wasn’t sure he ought to be seeing his kid even that much. 

***

He drove home with Sirius on the back of his bike, unable to even enjoy holding onto Sirius as he tore - or drove fairly slowly and responsibly, Remus was unable to tell the difference - through the streets. They were in Camden around midnight, and entered the home in tired silence. “Is something wrong?” Sirius asked, standing in the kitchen making tea. 

He shook his head. “It’s just something James said while I was alone with him.”

“That fuckhead.”

“No. It was that he made a good point that bothered me. I really like you, Sirius. Without making too much of a commitment, from what I’ve learned about you, I can see myself being happy spending the rest of my life with you. I’m not sure you do the same.”

Sirius let out a long sigh. “I know what I want more than James.”

"So you don't want a family then?"

"Wouldn't I have one with you? I don't mind being a step-dad."

Remus groaned. He had to talk to Dora. Figure all this shit out. He’d tried to picture what it might be like to be a father, but all he could see was the ways he would hurt the baby. Everything from dropping it to hurting it because of his fucked up mind. Who in their right mind would let him be responsible for anything? 

Soft hands were put on each side of his face, bringing him out of his mind again and staring into Sirius' gray eyes. "I am so tired of looking for love," Sirius said suddenly, expression suddenly weary and eyes devoid of their usual light. "I am so lonely and sometimes it feels like it's going to last forever, and it makes me depressed as fuck. With you I feel hope. Hope that there may be a time when I come home to a house where someone is already there waiting for me, who loves me and I love in return."

"You really think I can give that to you? That I will be enough?"

The answer is a little too hesitant to Remus' liking. "Yes." Sirius seems to understand that Remus doesn't quite believe him, and takes his hands in his. "Let me prove it," he said and grinned playfully, the light back in his eyes. "Have sex with me."

"This is where the demisexual part comes into play?" He chuckled and kissed Remus' chin, then paused for a short moment before placing a chaste peck on Remus' lips. "Was it terrible?" Remus asked.

"Best kiss I've ever had, but that's not saying much."

Sirius started to back up towards the stairs, but Remus held him back. "We haven't had tea yet," he says and nods towards the kettle. Sirius quirks his eyebrow at him, and while he goes to the kettle to pour them both some tea, he barely looks away from Remus, waiting for him to speak. Remus takes a sip of his tea first. "You don't have to prove anything to me," he says at last. "Not like that at least."

"I know, but I kind of want to now, and it's quite important to grasp those rare occasions."

Remus tried to see if it really was something he wanted or if he was pushing himself, but conceded that was probably not something he'd be able to read from Sirius for some time. Instead, he allowed himself to be led upstairs, and was put on the bed while Sirius went to shower.

It was raining outside, the drops pattering violently against the window of Sirius’ bedroom. Remus laid in his bed, thinking he might fall asleep very soon if he didn’t return from his shower. The room appeared unused, which puzzled him. No clothes were strewn about, nor did the bed seem slept in when he went into the room. Sirius wasn’t by far as cluttered as himself, but he also didn’t seem the type of person to meticulously make his own bed, even for company. 

“Hi,” Sirius said awkwardly as he came in, wearing only pajama bottoms and by how low they hung on his hips, he could tell he had nothing on underneath. He even moved awkwardly in the space, with the cautiousness of someone in a room belonging to a stranger, as he sat down next to Remus. 

“Do you not normally sleep here?” Remus asked. 

“No. I prefer the sofa.”

“What’s wrong with the bed?”

“It feels lonely,” he admitted while picking at the sheets, avoiding Remus’ gaze. “It’s also too close to the room across the hall.”

“What’s in it?” Remus asked. Sirius looked tense, and hoping to calm him, Remus carefully guided down to the bed and into his embrace. It took him a moment to settle in the crook of his arm, but when he did, it appeared to have worked. 

“Nothing. That’s the problem.” Sirius let out a puff of breath he could feel across his chest. “When I moved in here, with my ex, that room held a lot of possibilities. That was going to be a nursery for the child we decided to foster or adopt… or have through surrogacy, whatever we decided on. Now it’s just a reminder of what could have been. What I still don’t have.”

“Suppose it could be used for mine someday, if we stick it out.”

“I hope we do.”

“You’ve never told me about your ex, you know.”

“I have.”

“You’ve told me you had one and that you bought this house for the two you. You’ve never told me how it ended or what your relationship was like.”

Sirius shrugged against him. “He was a decent bloke. Worked an office job he hated and didn’t pay very well. I didn’t mind. When I inherited my uncle’s money, he decided to quit and become a homemaker of sorts, until he figured out what he wanted to do. In the end, he found out what he wanted to do was a nineteen year old boy,” he explained and let out a lackluster chuckle. 

“You could have given the nursery to him.”

Sirius barked a loud laugh and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “He was a tosser. I’m glad to be rid of him,” he said, smiling. “I wasn’t even that heartbroken. It’s just the idea of our future I miss. The thought of having a family.”

“You think you can have that with me?” Remus asked, which killed the mood instantly. 

“I don’t mind being a stepdad, if you’d like me to be. Honestly, at this point I just want someone and I don’t think I’ll find anyone as good as you if I searched all of England, so I’m going to do my fucking best to keep you.”

“You’ll be a better dad than me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. You’re wonderful, Remus.” Their gazes locked. There was love in Sirius’ eyes, and hope. “Are we going to do this?” Sirius whispered. 

“Only if you want to. If you feel comfortable.”

“I do. Well, no, I don’t, but I will, once we’ve done it a few times.” Sirius grinned sheepishly and moved to rest on top of Remus’ chest. “The first couple of times are the worst because I fear you’ll do something unexpected.”

“I can run everything I plan to do by you before I do it.”

“I’d like that.” He made a little cough and sat upright, playing at this being something official. “Right, first of all, I realize I’m clingy as fuck all other times and would like nothing more than to be attached at your hip-” Remus laughed. “But during sex, I prefer a little distance. As much as possible actually, while still being connected at the genitals.”

“How is that going to work?” 

“Like this is fine,” he said, and demonstrated by straddling him and rubbing against his groin. “Or like this.” He leaned forward, holding himself up by his arms above Remus, their upper bodies not connecting but their lower bodies could grind together. “Glad to see you’re into it,” he said with a smirk, undoubtedly feeling Remus’ hardening cock through his own pajamas. 

“You are scantily clad,” Remus said in his defense. He could see the start of the trail of pubic hair going down Sirius’ groin in those low-rise bottoms. 

“No kissing. Obviously.” He straddled Remus again, sitting firmly on his groin, and moving his hips. “I may not get hard or come. Probably not today.” His expression grew somber, and he watched him with pleading eyes, as if Remus would object. “It doesn’t mean I hate it or anything. I just need time to get comfortable with you, and the only way to do that is by doing it a couple of times.”

“If you’re sure you’re alright.”

He shrugged. “I am. You see, I’m too possessive to share. I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. And because of that, for as long as you enjoy sex and need that intimacy, I’m going to provide it for you. A little discomfort is worth it to keep you.”

“I could just find some meds that kill my libido completely. We’d be ace together.”

Sirius smiled. “I don’t want you to be on antidepressants for longer than you need to be, and what then? Best for us to just get on with this.” He pulled down Remus’ pants, freeing his hardening cock and the air felt cold on its hot skin. “I prepared myself in the shower.”

“All the better to get it over with,” Remus chuckled. 

“Exactly.” Sirius stripped himself of his bottoms, and Remus was disappointed despite himself to see Sirius’ flaccid cock. 

The sex was odd, though far from unpleasant. Sirius kept his distance as he told he would, sticking to sitting atop him as Remus laid on his back, fully clothed but for his cock and a vest pulled up to his chest. His instinct was to bring him close, touch him and pleasure him too. Sex to Remus was always about the other person, never himself; to allow himself to revel in the pleasure, to come as quick as possible, was strange. 

Impatient, Sirius began to rock harder, and Remus gasped as he climaxed. The whole ordeal only lasted about four minutes. Sirius handed him a box of wet wipes as he discarded of Remus’ condom, and they each cleaned themselves off in awkward silence. For Remus, the aftermath would have usually been a moment for gentle kisses, and he disliked the distance, though he suppose he understood. Sirius returned to him when they were cleaned up and their clothes were back on. 

“Was that good enough?” Sirius asked quietly, suddenly shy as a child. “When I’m more comfortable with us it’ll get better. I promise. But if you need more, I can do more.”

“I’m not going to leave you for some nineteen year old,” Remus said. “I’m not a horny teenager, or wannabe teenager. I’m a clinically depressed man in my mid-thirties. What you gave was plenty.”

“My ex was never happy with our sex life. I pushed myself a lot for him, but…”

“I’m not the same as him. I’ll be happy with this.” Sirius relaxed in his arms, and Remus breathed in the scent of his hair. Floral from shampoo with a tinge of musk. “Honestly, I’d be fine with just this. It’s better, actually”

“It’s better?”

“I sort of missed you. You felt so distant.” Remus desperately wanted to know what he was thinking, peering at him through thick locks of hair falling into his eyes as he laid on his side. “What is it that makes it uncomfortable for you? Maybe if you explain that it’ll be easier for me to make it pleasant for you?”

“It’s the intimacy of it. I can’t take it. My psychiatrist believes it has to do with me not being given enough physical affection as a child. No comforting hugs from mummy.”

“Do you think it’s true?”

“I dunno. I didn’t get enough physical affection as a child, so it could be. Maybe I’ve just always been like this. Can’t exactly go back in time to give me a hug and see if it makes a difference.”

“No, I suppose not.” Sirius’ eyes were drooping. It was already past one in the morning. “Sleep,” he whispered. Sirius mumbled something and closed his eyes. He was out quickly. Remus was never that lucky. Either he didn’t sleep until way into the morning or he passed out from exhaustion. No in-between. Sleeping next to Sirius made lying awake a much better experience though. A few hours into the night, the cat snuck in and joined them too. Remus fell asleep at five to her purrs. 

****

Sunlight after the rain woke Sirius, a little too early for comfort, and hadn't it been for Remus sleeping next to him, he would have drawn the curtains and gone straight back to sleep. Instead he found himself staring at his... boyfriend, lover, something. His Remus. He’d woken slightly a few times that night – not enough to move or speak, just enough to register what was happening around him – and Remus had been awake and restless until a certain point, then became dead to the world and completely still. This was why the cat seemed to prefer sleeping on Remus rather than Sirius, or so he told himself to not get his feelings hurt. The tabby feline was all tangled up in the sheets in the nook of Remus' arm. 

Fuck James. There was no way this wasn’t enough. That Remus couldn’t make him happy on his own.

Sirius believed this genuinely as he slipped quietly out of bed to use the loo, but the moment he stepped out the door and faced the room across the hall, his heart hell from its place in his chest to some unknown depth in his guts. What if Remus didn’t want the baby at all? What if that room remained empty forever? 

When he returned to the bedroom, Remus was awake and petting the cat. “I’ve named her Minnie,” he said, his voice hoarse with sleep. 

“What was wrong with cat?”

“Too Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” 

“Let’s go back to sleep,” Sirius said, not deeming that remark with an answer. He was sleepy and confused, and wanted to be away from this world for a while. The cat, Minnie, looked up as he got back into bed, but agreed that sleep was preferable to consciousness. Then Remus held him again, and sleep was no longer as tempting. His fucking emotions would be the death of him. He flipped around to face his Remus, and held him too, and happy once again.


	8. Chapter 8

Remus felt as if he was drowning in terribly written law papers when what he was actually trying to do was eat his five-spice duck. He pushed a stack aside with his elbow while bringing a chunk of rice to his mouth - doing this with great difficulty, as he was too stubborn to get a fork instead of using the provided chopsticks - when the door to his office opened abruptly. It was Dora, who closed the door behind her as abruptly as she had opened it. This was his chance, he realized. He’d been avoiding her, not wanting to have this conversation, but they were alone together and he needed to get it out - for everyone’s sake. 

He chewed his rice quickly when Dora exclaimed, “I don’t want to talk about the baby!” She grabbed the chair stood unsuspectingly against the wall, and dragged it along the floor - the scraping sound echoing through the room had Remus grimacing - and she sat down. There was a fierce determination in her eyes, and even if Remus hadn’t felt relief at not having to take responsibility for a child he didn’t want, he’d still not have mentioned it then. 

“What’s going on?” he asked her. 

“How did you know you were bisexual?” 

It was an unexpected question to say the least, but he composed himself. He felt better equipped at dealing with this than facing responsibilities. He shoved some papers and books to the side - a small pile fell to the floor - so that he could rest his elbows on his desk. “It was… confusing,” he said, after some deliberation.

“Already figured as much.”

He chuckled. “I kept trying to convince myself I had to be one or the other, even though I knew bisexuality was a thing in theory. I also didn’t feel as if I belonged anywhere, neither the straight nor the queer community. That made it even more difficult, because belonging is what we all want deep down, isn’t it?”

She sank into the chair, looking resigned. If she was anything like himself, he suspected he might have put into words some of the feelings she’d had but never understood. 

“If I could go back in time,” he continued. “I would have wanted to tell myself to say fuck it a little earlier in life. I waited so long to act on my desires for men. I even waited to act on my desire for women.”

“What were you afraid of?”

“Finding out for sure I was one or the other after all. Hurting others. Hurting myself. But sex isn’t necessarily that big of a deal. The person you’re with might make it a big deal - for the both of you - but the act itself is not. I guess what I’m saying is, try it out? Experiment. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I fall in love with a woman?” she said. 

“Your family don’t look like the kind that would object to that.”

“They’re not. I know they’re not. Neither are my friends. I wouldn’t want to hang out with bigots anyway.” He was about to ask why she thought falling in love was such a bad thing, when she absentmindedly ran a hand over her belly and he understood. Her future was less certain than his was. 

“Is there anyone in particular you’ve got your eye on?” he asked carefully. 

“Fleur. Delacour. And I think she’s interested in me too. That’s what makes it scary.”

He almost had to laugh. He’d spent the last year watching boys practically fall over themselves trying to get Fleur Delacour’s attention, but Dora was the one who’d caught it. He’d noticed the two girls getting closer - he’d never seen Dora with another girl at all, making it even more noticeable - but hadn’t realized the extent of this closeness. 

“Fleur plans to study in the states after this,” Remus said. 

“So you don’t think I should pursue it?”

“So if it all goes wrong, she won’t even be in the country anymore in a year.” 

Dora let out a sudden laugh. “What if it all goes well?”

“I wouldn’t know what to do.” Maybe he would soon, but there was too much that could go wrong between him and Sirius for him to count on it. That he didn’t go against Dora’s wishes and talk about the baby was proof enough of that. He was a coward, plain and simple. 

*****

Sirius contemplated staying at work until Remus would come over, around eight because he was behind on grading, but the stuffy air in his office had given him a headache. He left around five, thinking he could get in a quick nap and make something elaborate for dinner. His plans were squandered when he came home and heard rummaging upstairs. He felt fear for a second, until he saw Dora’s shoes thrown in a heap on the floor, and her coat thrown over the staircase railing. 

“Dora?” he called out as he ran up the stairs. 

“I’m in the nursery!” Dora answered back, and Sirius froze mid step. What the hell was she talking about? It took him a few moments to catch his breath and gain courage to walk into the empty room across the hall from his bedroom. Dora smiled up at him as he entered, not seeing the horror he felt. She was sat on the floor, surrounded by tiny buckets of paint that she had smeared in tiny patched onto the plain white walls. 

“What are you doing?”

“Deciding on the color for the nursery. I want something gender neutral. I don’t want them to have blue or pink shoved down their throats from the moment they are born.”

“Have you talked to Remus?”

She groaned and collapsed overdramatically onto the floor, and Sirius had horrid flashbacks to behaving very much the same way in his youth. “I talked to him today. A lot, actually, but not about the baby.”

“Why not? You’re over 20 weeks along. You need to make some decisions soon.”

“I’ve made a decision. Obviously!” Still lying on the floor, she pointed both hands at the wall covered in paint swatches. “He’s had almost two months to make a decision and he hasn’t said anything, so that’s that.” Sirius had a very strong urge to bang his head against the wall. This was getting too complicated. “Do you not want the baby?” Dora must have noticed the shift in his expression, and for that moment, she sounded so much like she did when she was a child. Weak and uncertain and not ready for what she’d gotten herself into. 

“I want it, but it’s not that easy.” 

“Why can’t it be?”

Because he’s in love with the baby’s father, who claims he wants to be in the baby’s life, but has done nothing to prove that this is actually true. And he didn’t want to give up Remus, but knew that if he for a second allowed himself to get attached to the person growing inside Dora, he’d do it in a heartbeat, and then what? He’d be alone again. 

“We still have time, Dora.”

“You’re the one who just said we didn’t!” She sighed loudly, and got up from the floor with an ease she would no doubt lose in only a few months. As for now, she barely showed. Nobody could guess the tiny bump was a baby. “Anyway, here.” She handed him a creased envelope she’d kept in her pocket. “I had an appointment with Lily today. Maybe this can make up your mind. I was planning on stealing dinner from you, but you’re clearly in a mood, so I’m going to leave now.”

“I have plans today anyway.”

“Plans? With who?” Her genuine confusion only hurt his pride a little. 

“I have friends.”

“And they’re both busy today.”

Sirius huffed, mostly because he was hesitant to tell the truth and stalling. “I’m seeing your baby-daddy actually,” he said casually. “I told you, Remus and I have been hanging out a bit.”

Her expression was unreadable, though his guess was that the thoughts running through her head were not positive. “You two really have become chums of late, huh? It’s a little odd.” Her expression was blank as she spoke, but her voice was sharp; bordering angry. 

“Yes, I suppose, given the circumstances.” 

“Well… leaving. You and Professor Lupin have fun.”

He walked her downstairs and out the door, all the while thinking about how she’d never once referred to him as Professor Lupin before. When he locked the door after her, he remembered the envelope he was still carrying. It was blank and open; whatever was inside was thin and light, but stiff. Leaning against the wall of his hallway, he opened it. The more he looked at the contents, the closer to the floor he came. 

It was the baby. Potentially his baby. In all their undeveloped glory. They looked so much more like a baby now than they had only the last time he’d gone to see them, where they had only been an indecipherable blob with a heartbeat in his peripheral vision. And this was why he hadn’t wanted to see the baby in the first place, because now it was no longer an it he had no attachment to. The baby had a face and hands and arms, and he wanted to hold them. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. He didn’t look at it, but expected it was Remus. Would Remus want the baby? Sirius would have to step in soon and bring those two stubborn idiots together to actually talk about the life they’d accidentally created. He couldn’t wait in suspense much longer. The phone buzzed again, calling this time, and he picked up. 

“Sirius?” James asked when Sirius didn’t say anything. 

“Hi. What’s up.” 

“I’ll come over.” 

“What? Why?”

“My Sirius-needs-me senses were tingling. I was picking up Harry from daycare and my good knee started hurting, and I knew something had happened.”

“Just come over.” Sirius hadn’t had time to move before his front door opened and James with Harry in his arms tripped over him. He pushed him out of the way with his crutch and Sirius purposely fell like a log to the floor, having no will or energy to stop it. 

“Oh dear. Should I get Lily to pick up Harry so that we can bring out the alcohol?”

Sirius let out a long, loud groan. At some point James had released Harry, and the 3 year old boy decided to sit on his uncle’s chest and copy the sound. “You’re adorable,” Sirius said and pinched the boy’s cheek; Harry mumbled that he knew that while chewing on his sweater sleeve. “Remus is coming over later, I don’t want to be drunk.”

“What’s happening with Remus now?”

“He’s not saying anything to Dora about how he wants to be part of the baby’s life.”

James attempted to crouch down besides him, but his knee appeared to be acting up, and he ended up sitting on the stairs instead. “Just fucking tell him everything. I know you don’t want to influence him, but this is just getting stupid.”

“The thing that gets me is that he apparently likes kids. According to Dora he’s even good with them. He’s so afraid he’ll be a bad father because of his mental health that he’s refusing himself something that he might even want.” Harry flopped down on top of him, splaying himself out with his arms and legs hanging off of Sirius’ chest. “James!” He bounced up, holding Harry tightly, and the toddler shrieked with laughter. “I have a bad idea!” 

“You know I’m always down for bad ideas.”

“Remus and I will babysit Harry while you and Lily go on a date.”

The incredulity on James’ face was something to behold; his expression somewhere between absolute horror and just about to vomit. “You want me to leave my son with a man I’ve met once?”

“And me.” James sighed pointedly. “Nothing’s going to happen to Harry. Give me your phone.” Sirius stretched across the floor to take the phone from James’ pocket. Harry immediately wanted to play with it as well, and tried to tap the Netflix app while Sirius was calling Lily. “Lily, my darling-”

“What do you want, Sirius?”

“I want you and James to have the night of your life while I take little Harry. A nice dinner, a movie, play your cards right and you might even get lucky. What do you say?”

There was a long pause. “Put James on.”

He handed the phone back to James, and though he couldn’t hear Lily anymore, he knew her well enough to guess what she was saying. “He wants to test Remus’ parenting skills with Harry and use our child to tempt him into becoming a father or something… I know, it’s stupid… Okay. Love you. Harry, tell mum you love her!” Harry mumbled unintelligibly. James cooed. 

They hung up, and with practiced ease, James sat on the floor next to them despite his bad knee and took Harry from Sirius into his lap. “Do you want to stay with uncle Siri tonight?” he asked Harry, who nodded and blew a raspberry. “Well, at least he’s excited about it.”

“Thank you. I know I’m being slightly insane. It’s just...” James cuddled up to him, and Harry nuzzled in between the two grown men. “I don’t know what to do anymore, or how I’m supposed to be without either of them. Dora brought over a picture of the baby. Look at them.” He got the picture out from his pocket and handed it to James, who gazed at it fondly. 

“Can you believe you were this tiny once,” he told Harry who shook his head, though he probably didn’t understand. “You know what I’m going to say.”

He knew, but he didn’t want to hear it, and James stayed silent.

***

Remus came over to Sirius’ home at around seven. Coming from the stuffy, crowded underground to the quiet suburban street was an unsettling experience, as if he’d entered some kind of mirror dimension of London where everything was off. The scent of dinner coming out through the door added to the feeling, but also brought him comfort. How he was getting used to this was scary. 

An unfamiliar sound followed as he rang the doorbell. An excited shriek like a child. Was he in the wrong house? Had the quiet and pleasant yet undeniably creepy mirror London taken him completely? 

A rumpled and grinning Sirius opened the door. “Sorry,” he said. “I got stuck babysitting.”

Even if Remus had never heard about Harry, he’d instantly know that the little boy peeking out from behind Sirius was James’ son. He was his spitting image aside from those green eyes belonging to Lily. “That’s okay.” Remus kneeled down to be on Harry’s level and waved gently at the little boy. “Hi, I’m Remus. I’m Sirius’ friend.”

“Hi Remus,” he said shyly, but he was smiling and twirling back and forth as he clung to Sirius’ leg. “Wanna wach a movie?” he mumbled, and grinned very much like his godfather did when Remus agreed. 

The excited toddler brought Remus into the living-room while Sirius went to the kitchen, probably glad he could finally focus on dinner and not the boy. Harry began to rummage through the DVDs and Blu-Rays intently, a clear goal in mind, but didn’t seem to be able to find what he was looking for. “What movie is it you want to watch?”

“Alice!” he whined. 

“Alice in Wonderland?” Remus quickly scanned over the selection, but couldn’t see the movie in question, neither the old Disney one or the newer Tim Burton atrocities. “Is it on Netflix?” he asked, unsure if a three-year-old would even kn ow what Netflix was. 

“Issnawt on etfix!” Harry said firmly, and so indeed he did know. He laid down on the floor with his arms folded and pouted defiantly and repeatedly making “humph” sounds. 

“Would you like me to read it to you?” 

“Book issat home.”

“Book is on my phone,” he explained, or at least it would be. It would only take a few seconds to download. Harry was very fascinated by the fact that books could be on phones, and spent some time flipping pages on the touch screen before he settled on Remus’ lap, ready to be read to.

He didn’t think it would keep Harry’s interest very long, though he’d downloaded an illustrated version, but he still made an attempt to make the voices as he remembered them from the Disney movie and quickly simplified some parts that would be too long winded and complicated for Harry. To his surprise, Harry stayed with him, enraptured by the story. Remus figured his talent for public speaking translated well into storytelling. 

Harry suddenly looked away, and Remus realized Sirius was watching them. The look on his face was hard to figure out, but seemed somewhat sad despite a small smile. “Dinner’s ready. Remus can read for you more when we put you to bed.”

“Okay!” 

Harry ran off to the kitchen and climbed into his chair. Sirius remained where he stood, only a few arms lengths away, yet the most distant he’d ever felt. “What’s the matter?”

“You’re so good with him.”

Remus shrugged. “I’m good at reading books.” Remus could guess as much as this having something to do with the baby, one way or another, which was why he didn’t press on. He couldn’t bare to hear it, whatever it was. He got up and put his arms around Sirius, combed through his hear with his fingers, and whispered that they ought to join Harry at the table.


	9. Chapter 9

Telling Fleur she was pregnant ended up being rather anticlimactic. Tonks had been petrified, scared she’d never speak to her again, scared she’d think she was an idiot, or a slut. Maybe even hopeful that she’d be all of those things, because that would put an end to all her fucking inconvenient feelings for this woman. She’d expected anything other than the slight surprise and mildly comforting words, followed by Fleur going on about their rhetoric homework. Fleur had bugged her for a bit about who the father was, but when she realized it was actually a sore topic and not just out of embarrassment, she kept quiet on the subject. 

Then they had gone out shopping. It was something Tonks hated, but she needed something professional to wear for a month long internship she was required to do for her final paper, and Fleur had agreed to help her. Instead, at H&M, Fleur made a beeline for the baby clothes. “I’m not keeping it,” Tonks said to remind her of what she’d already told her. 

Fleur waved it off. “I just think these clothes are cute.” She held up a fluffy pink dress. “If I had a boy, I’d still put this on him.”

“Not much for gender conformity?” Tonks asked, grinning.

“They’re babies. Just bread that’s alive. They don’t care what they wear.”

Fleur put the dress back and turned her attention to some dinosaur pajamas instead, while Tonks wondered if “bread that’s alive” was a phrase that had gotten lost in translation. 

Next to baby clothes was the maternity section, and figuring that was more relevant at the moment, Tonks went to look at the peculiar jeans that looked far too comfortable to be real. 

“Ugly.” Fleur said as she came up behind her. 

“Yes, but comfortable, and I think I’ll be caring more about that when I’m the size of a hippo. I suppose you’d be wearing dresses?”

“Comfortable and cute. Why don’t you like wearing them?” A flowery sundress hung on the wall before them, and Tonks cringed at the very idea of putting it on. 

“They’re just not me.”

Fleur rolled her eyes. “Not all dresses look like that.” She vanished through the stacks of clothes and returned before Tonks even had time to blink with a black knitted sweater dress that Tonks quite liked despite herself. Something in the way she looked at it clearly revealed this, as Fleur grinned like the proverbial cat with the canary and herded her towards the fitting rooms.

“Just know that after this I’m finding you a pair of combat boots!” Tonks called out from behind the curtain. 

“I would love that,” Fleur responded casually. 

Tonks undressed out of her leather jacket, black shirt, and black vest she wore underneath, leaving her upper body naked but for her wireless bra, because wires were for women with bigger boobs and higher pain thresholds than her. She remained still for a moment, listening to Fleur in her high heels walk towards the seats in the fitting room corridor. She’d thought Fleur might walk into the fitting room with her, which was such a stupid fantasy. Like someone as beautiful as Fleur who could have anyone would go for a pregnant wannabe punk-rocker. 

Finally done with her melancholy, she put the dress on. She looked more professional, which was the goal, but it was more tight fitting than the clothes she was used to, and her bump was suddenly visible. “You done?” Fleur called out. 

“Yes!” She walked out to where Fleur was waiting, sitting on a bench along the wall. 

Her eyes were all over her, and the attention made her uncomfortable. “I like it,” Fleur said finally. “With different trousers. Wool leggings would be nice.” She came up to her to adjust Tonks’ clothes and inspect them closer, and Tonks’ face heated up and she feared she was blushing. Fleur didn’t indicate that she noticed. “Will this being visible be a problem?” Fleur asked carefully and patted Tonks’ slightly protruding belly.

“It should be small enough for people to think I’m just bloated for another month. Then it’s going to be a problem.”

“Your uncle is adopting it, right? That’s a strange choice.”

“No. Not really. Sirius loves kids. All he wants is a family. He’ll be the best dad this little thing could possibly have.”

Fleur smiled. “You really love your uncle.”

“He’s only in his thirties, so he’s always felt more like my older brother than my uncle. Got my style from him too.” She nudged with her head towards the leather jacket hanging in the fitting room, that she had permanently borrowed from him. “Though he decided to sell out and go corporate when he got a real job. Have barely seen him wear anything punk since he turned thirty.”

Fleur let out the most unattractive snort of a laugh Tonks had ever heard, and couldn’t stop herself from laughing too. “It explains so much.” Fleur was still clutching Tonks’ belly when a woman walked in. 

The woman was in her fifties, heavy set with piercings and head to toe in ripped denim, and was pretty much what Tonks aspired to be as she aged. She was holding a few items of clothing, but stopped in her tracks as she saw them. “What a lovely couple you make,” she said, smiled like she was looking at a pile of puppies, and walked into a fitting room. 

To her surprise, it was Fleur that was blushing, and let go of Tonks quickly. “You okay?” Tonks asked. 

“Yes. Fine. You want to buy that, right? Let’s go to another shop after. H&M clothes gives me hives.” Tonks couldn’t bring herself to let the sudden odd behavior go, and as they continued shopping made a point out of not behaving like normal like Fleur was making a point to do. Tonks answered questions with hums and one syllable words while staring intently and with understanding. 

Fleur didn’t break until they were sat at a sushi restaurant in the shopping centre, waiting for their order to come. “I thought you might be uncomfortable.” 

“With what?” 

“Her thinking we were a couple.... since I’m… whatever I am.” Fleur suddenly seemed so very much unlike herself; small and unsure, taking up as little space as possible when she’d usually be demanding it. 

“Attracted to women? I don’t mind people thinking we’re a couple.” She wanted them to be a couple. Wanted to be able to kiss her and hold her hand. The ridiculously soft looking hand, manicured to perfection. Were her nails even capable of splitting? 

“Why don’t you mind?”

“I think only assholes would mind.”

“Perhaps.”

“That’s all?” Fleur shrugged. Tonks was waiting for her confidence and largeness to return, but it wasn’t and it was unnerving. “How’s that crush of yours going by the way?”

“I don’t know. What about yours?”

“Know about as much as you.” Tonks sighed loudly. “It’s not a good situation. What with me getting whale-sized soon,” she explained and patted her belly. “The whole situation is also very new. It’s not a crush I’m used to having.”

“What does that mean?” 

Tonks’ heart began to pound. “It’s a girl.”

The softening of Fleur’s eyes made her realize she’d caught on far too soon; at least sooner than she’d wanted her to catch on. Her immediate plan had been to ease Fleur into the idea she might be not as a straight as she’d let on, but of course that was flawed because what other girl than Fleur did she even know?

“You know, I did think you were a lesbian when I first met you.”

“Not the first person to think so. I look like it.” Why did she look like it? She’d wanted to be cool like her uncle. Break the gender stereotype. Not get attention from boys like all the girls who dressed like Fleur did. Because she’d wanted to find someone who liked her for her… or did she? She hadn’t really liked Bill that much. He’d been cool, and a way to talk about Lupin with Sirius, which had probably caused her to project her feelings for her professor onto Bill instead. Lupin she had really been in love with. She was sure of that. She’d fallen for his kindness and softness, but clearly that had been a disguise to cover up someone broken and sharp. 

“Where are you now?” Fleur asked with an uncertain giggle. 

“Contemplating how long I’ve actually been attracted to women without realizing.”

“We’ve all been there.” 

“I used to have loads of female friends until around secondary school.”

“That’s when you started to notice they were pretty and that made you uncomfortable, and so you avoided them altogether.”

“Yeah. To be honest, I’ve ever only really been in love with one man, and I think I held on to that so tightly because I had something to prove to myself. I don’t know why though. My family’s pretty open about those things. My uncle is the gayest gay who ever gayed. Or, he used to be, before his last boyfriend left him and he got all depressed.”

“May I kiss you?”

“Please kiss me.”

The kiss was too brief to capture the details, but by her beating heart and heated face, she knew she wanted more. “I’m scared,” Fleur whispered.

“Me too.”

“You first?”

“You could have anyone. Why me?”

“That’s a stupid question. You’re funny, beautiful and smart. What could I possibly not like about you?”

“That I’ll be fat and wobbly in a few months? And the birth is most likely going to ruin my body one way or another.”

“I’m not worried about that.”

“Then what’s your fear?”

Fleur hesitated, but let their hands intertwine. “I’m worried about the baby. That you’ll keep it. None of my plans for the near future fits with a baby.”

“I’m also scared of your future plans, but I thought I might be getting ahead of myself there.” They both chuckled. “I’m not ready to be a mother. Trust me.”

Fleur opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the clattering of plates being put on their table. Tonks had almost forgotten where they were, or why they were there. The waitress apologized for the delay with their food and left quickly to take care of another table. “Let’s just eat,” Fleur said. “Then we’ll take the rest as it comes.”

Tonks agreed.

****

Remus was in the same surreal quiet part of London, on the same doorstep, as he had been several times that month… week… day. He’d woken up there and come back to there. Not been home. Not even considered going home. It was insane. He’d only known Sirius for a few months. This was “getting close to a year and why don’t we just move in together” kind of behavior, because he hadn’t even told Sirius he was coming. 

He opened the door with the key he had, because he’d left after Sirius one time a few weeks ago and he’d meant to return it, but it had been convenient to have. “Hi,” Remus called out, suddenly feeling a little awkward about coming over unannounced. Why hadn’t he at least texted him? What if it was a horrible time to be coming over.

Sirius popped out of the kitchen, wearing a massive grin and a flowery apron. “Dinner’s almost ready,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Remus and held him tightly, then kissed his cheek. They didn’t really kiss, and only had sex a handful of times, but Sirius was somehow still extremely intimate and affectionate, and Remus was afraid of getting used to it, because it felt too good, and it was about time for him to accidentally fuck it up somehow. 

“Did I tell you I was coming?” 

“No? I just hoped you would.”

They were both hesitant to let the other go. Sirius stroking his cheek and the feel of Sirius’ soft hair between his fingers felt so good, he thought he might just spend the rest of the night there if one of them didn’t move soon. Something beeped in the kitchen, and with great hesitation, Sirius withdrew his arms and went back in to turn it off. Remus watched him from the doorway, and watched this beautiful man cook for him. Who would have thought the day would ever come that someone besides his mother would do that? 

Sirius put plates down at the kitchen table. He was always talking about how he wished he'd use the dining room more often. Not a lot of people had the space for a designated dining room in London after all. Shame not to use it. But they had never bothered when it was just the two of them. Too far away, all the way over in the room next door.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I don't even know." Remus sat across from Sirius and started eating. Sirius really had a knack for cooking. "Did you always like to cook?"

"When James and I was in uni I burned pasta because I didn't know you had to have water in the pot." If Remus had been eating, he was sure he'd spat it all out as he burst out laughing. "It wasn't that funny!" Sirius said, abashed.

"It's very funny."

"The smoke caused permanent damage to our walls. We never got our deposit back."

"That makes it better!" It took a good minute for Remus to be able to calm himself enough to stop laughing. Sirius had started out looking put-upon, but was suddenly smiling too. Remus took another bite of his dinner with a new appreciation. "So, when did this happen?" he asked, pointing to the food.

Sirius shrugged. The sudden sadness in his eyes, though he was still smiling, made Remus regret asking. "Neither my ex nor I could cook for shit. We were eating take-away every day. Then when we decided to have kids, I started thinking about how you never know what they really put in your food, and a lot of it is just downright awful for you regardless. I didn't want my kids to eat that, so I decided to learn how to cook, because he thought I was being stupid and didn't want to bother with it."

It always made him uncomfortable when Sirius talked about kids. He could see the longing there. Perhaps that was the whole reason why he wanted to be in his kids life. To keep Sirius. How selfish was that. Didn't that just mean he definitely shouldn't be a father? He hadn't talked to Dora yet. By how long it had taken him, she probably wasn't taking him into account anymore anyway. But then what about Sirius? James was probably right; he had to end it. Sirius was far too good for him anyway. Someone like him didn't deserve someone like Sirius.

"I'm sorry I brought the mood down," Sirius said.

"No. Don't. It's fine."

"Could you talk to me?"

"What other things did you burn in the kitchen?"

"Not about that! Your feelings."

Remus put his utensils down and inhaled deeply. "I'm not great at that, to say the least."

"Try for me."

His utter selfishness prevented him from saying the words he ought to say. Let's end this, before it's too late and somebody gets hurt. Was it already too late? "Do you think we're moving too fast? In our relationship."

"I really care about you. More everyday. And I'm very much a supporter of when you know you know. I feel like I know."

"That we're meant to be? Did you have the same feeling with your ex?"

"No. And that was the problem, I think. I settled thinking I couldn't do better, even though deep down it didn't feel right. This does."

He said the latter with a finality and certainty Remus couldn't fathom. The only thing Remus was certain of was that he'd probably never been certain of anything in his life. He loved his job, but still wasn't sure if it was right for him. If he shouldn't give practicing law another go. He'd been off his meds on his last breakdown. It'd most likely go better this time around. But why make a change if what he had made him happy. Sirius made him happy, but how could he ever repay the favor?

The scraping of Sirius' chair against the floor startled him, and he watched curiously as Sirius moved his chair over to his side of the small kitchen table and sat down nearly on top of him. "What are you doing?" he asked, amused.

"Just wanted to cuddle you a bit. It seems like something is bothering you."

"My brain is bothering me."

Sirius planted a loud kiss on the side of Remus' head and lightly patted the top of it. "Bad brain. Stop bothering my boyfriend."

"Did you turn into Harry suddenly?" He decided to ignore the mention of the "b" word, or how happy and terrified it made him in turn.

"You seemed to like him better than me anyway."

"There are some implications there I'm not a fan of."

Sirius laughed into his ear and kissed his cheek. "Finish your dinner."

They made love that night. Sirius hadn't lied when he said he'd get more comfortable with time. He still preferred to be in control, to have Remus beneath him one way or the other. He needed that to do this, and Remus wasn't complaining. He was enjoying the break. Enjoyed letting go and allowing someone else to decide, because his brain sure as hell didn't allow that any other time.

When they were done, Sirius brought out a book from his nightstand, one that Remus had recommended him, and he'd chided Sirius for always falling asleep with the telly on, and so he'd gotten it. Rather than actually read, they discussed it until it was clear they were both too sleepy and incoherent to go on. Sirius fell asleep in his arms, but eventually mumbled something about being too hot and rolled over on his side. Remus was sleepy as hell, but couldn't fall asleep. Nothing unusual there;he'd gotten used to functioning on 2 hours of sleep long ago. 

At least he knew what thoughts were keeping him up this time. Normally it was just his mind refusing to shut down; occasionally it was a myriad of horrible nightmare visions all fighting for attention. He slid out of bed, as the fact he had to pee was also keeping him up. After using the toilet and walking back, he stopped at "the door across from the bedroom." The bedroom meant for Sirius and his ex's child that they never had. The door he knew would haunt them both forever if he stayed, unless he accepted his mistake and became a father.

Things would be awkward no matter what if he stayed. Dora and Sirius were family, so he'd see the kid all the time anyway. Was he supposed to pretend he didn't know them and had nothing at all to do with their existence? So if he wanted Sirius, no matter what, he had to do this. Needing to see the room, to picture his child in there, he opened the door. He didn't get to do any of those things, because he was distracted by the different paint samples on the floor and painted in haphazard streaks on the wall. Was Sirius already planning for this kid? Remus had told him he'd take responsibility, but still, it seemed too soon to be doing something like this.

Was Sirius only with him because it meant he could have the kid? That made more sense than Sirius wanting him for him. But that also meant Sirius was forcing himself to sleep with him when he didn’t want to. 

Remus went back to bed. It was ridiculously comfortable, but he knew he wasn't getting any sleep. Sirius mumbled something about being cold and rolled back on top of Remus, burying his face in his shoulder. Remus began to stroke Sirius' hair gingerly, and allowed himself to wallow in his thoughts, when suddenly a hand forced his eyes shut. "Sleep now," Sirius mumbled, sounding very much asleep himself, but he couldn't see for the hand covering his eyes. "Sleep," Sirius repeated, a little more forcefully but no less sleepily. Remus surprised himself by obeying.


	10. Chapter 10

Easter break came and went, and if students’ tears had a scent, Remus’ office would stink of it. What it did stink of instead was Chinese takeaway and the lingering b.o. of a student who had spent three nights straight at the uni library, starting and finishing a paper Remus had assigned well over a month ago because he knew how long it would take. The clock ticked by slowly, and he still had two hours left before he could justify leaving. His phone buzzed, and he unlocked it to see a picture of Sirius and the cat lounging on the couch, with a text mocking him for still being at work. Sirius’ office was still in Easter mode despite Easter having been over for a few days already, and he’d been home early the day before as well. 

As Remus took a selfie of himself and his mess of a desk, he wondered what had become of it. “You look hot when you work,” was the reply he got. 

“I am hot when I’m working. The central heater is broken.”

“You should have a cool shower with me when you come home.”

“You are unusually intent on making sexting happen.”

“I am unusually in the mood. So come home soon!”

“Maybe I’m not in the mood?”

“Have you not seen me?!?! You’re in the mood.”

“Can’t argue with such logic.”

There was a long pause before the next text - by then Remus had thought the conversation over - and he had to wait to read it until he had finished helping a student who had come in. “Are you really not in the mood?” 

“I’m a little off today. Seeing you will make it better.” Remus had never sent such a cheesy message before, but it was true. It was also what was throwing him off. He was terrified as fuck of losing Sirius, even if Sirius didn’t really want him. 

“We’ll cuddle until you feel better. Cat will join.”

There was yet another knock on his door, and he put his phone away. He startled a little at the sight of Dora. He hadn’t properly looked at her since before Easter break, and she’d grown since then. Even in her baggy clothes, she was showing. “You’re killing me, you know,” she said and grinned tiredly. She plopped down in the chair across the desk and dumped a stack of papers in front of him. 

“I could give you an extension if you need it,” he said. “I know you’re also doing your internship.” 

“You never give extensions, and everyone in my class are doing internships.”

“There are some extenuating circumstances in your case I’m partly to blame for.”

“I’m fine. Really good actually.” He had found the perfect chance to bring up the baby, but she started on a different topic instead. “I really like the internship. They have me doing actual stuff, not just get them lunch and coffee. But you know what we talked about last time? Fleur likes me too! We’ve been sort of dating for a few weeks now. It’s new, but it’s going really well, and-”

“Dora, I’m really happy for you, but I hoped we could talk about something?”

“What? Am I failing something?”

“No. You’re doing well. I wanted to talk about the baby.”

She immediately tensed and leaned back away from him. “What about the baby?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot, and I would like to be part of their life.”

“No! I’m five months into this, you can’t just say you want to be there now!”

“I’m sorry. I-I decided some time ago, but the timing hasn’t always been good-” He cut himself off, had to stop the bullshit coming out of his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “But I would like to be in their life.”

“Remus, I’m not keeping the baby.”

“What?”

“I’m 22. I’ve barely stopped being a child myself.”

“But you wanted to keep it?”

“No, it was always the plan. I never told you because you said you didn’t want anything to do with the baby! So what, do you want it? You’re going to be a single father?”

The very idea made him sick. Maybe he’d have Sirius by his side, but there was no guarantee of that. It was far too early to tell how things would go between them. “Have you found a family?”

“Sirius.” Nothing about that piece of information was he able to process. Sirius was adopting the baby? Then what was any of this about? Their whole relationship? “He’s been waiting for you to make a decision, you know. He didn’t want to take your kid from you if you wanted them. But you should let him have the baby, he’d be a good father.”

“I don’t disagree.”

The phone buzzed, flashing Sirius’ face. Remus was going to ignore it, but before he could even turn away, the phone was snatched from his desk. He could only stare in horrified confusion as Dora unlocked his phone, which he had still not password protected. 

Dora was gaping stupidly at his phone, no doubt reading the suggestive - more than suggestive- messages from Sirius. “I knew it! I knew there was something going on between you two.”

“Give that back!” He snatched the phone out of her hands. He couldn’t stay. He had to speak with Sirius. Dora beat him to it, she got up stomping demonstratively and left in a hurry. He packed away his things in a blind daze and left the office a minute after her, and found himself on the underground towards Sirius’ house. 

Inside, Sirius was sitting where he’d been as he texted him before, cat in his lap, and he smiled when he saw Remus, but it faltered quickly. “What’s going on?” The way he spoke, it seemed as if he suspected what it might be already. Maybe he’d already spoken with Dora. That or he was waiting for this day to come. 

“Why did you never tell me you were going to adopt Dora’s baby?”

“I didn’t want to influence your decision, Remus. And me adopting this baby, that’s mostly Dora’s decision.”

“So you don’t want it?”

“I want it. Badly. But not at your expense. It’s yours before it’s mine.”

Remus ripped at his hair; hated how calm Sirius was when he was about to panic. “Then why are you with me?” 

“Why I’m with you?”

“I thought you were with me because I’d have a kid and accepted your asexuality.”

Sirius laughed unamused. “I mean, that’s not wrong,” he said, then stood, pushing the cat to the side, that lazily accepted this and curled up on a sofa cushion instead. “Being able to have a child and being with someone who accepts me for who I am is quite important to me, but there’s more to you than that, you know.” Sirius cupped Remus’ face in his hands and stroked his thumbs along his cheekbones. “You like old punk music, you read loads of obscure books that are all somehow really good, and you’re funny and kind, and being with you feels like being on my own. I’ve never had that with anyone else. I love you.”

“It’s too soon!”

Sirius pressed his fingers gingerly against Remus’ lips, silencing him. “I know it’s too soon. But I also know how I feel.”

Remus was so tempted to say I love you too, but how could he know for sure? All he knew was that he too had never felt like this before; something just right like this. Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the front door opening and slamming shut. He immediately recognized the heavy sound of the combat boots walking across the floor and coming to a halt at the living-room doorway. 

Dora inhaled deeply, then walked up to them, determined. “We have to talk!” she said.

“Agreed,” Sirius replied. 

“So, you never thought to tell me you were dating the father of my unborn child?”

Sirius grinned sheepishly. “It was kind of awkward. And new. I was going to tell you soon, when we’d figured things out. Which I thought would happen sooner.”

“It would have if only you told him you were adopting the baby!” Dora exclaimed. 

“You have to understand it’s not that easy, Dora! Of course I want the baby, but you can’t just give it to me like a puppy. I have to be approved, and before they would even consider giving me parental rights, Remus would have to waive his, and I didn’t want to ask him to do that.”

“I will.” 

Both Sirius and Dora snapped their heads towards him. “Dora is right. Sirius, you should adopt the baby.”

“And what about us?”

“I don’t know.”

“If I adopt the baby, and we keep dating, you would still be their father. Your parents would be spending time with them. You’d love them too, I’m sure. And then if we break up… it’s going to be complicated. Legally speaking. I would never take them from you, you have to know that. If we’re staying together, the best thing is for you to have sole custody, and then we deal with my position in the baby’s life later.”

But then if he and Sirius broke up, he’d be the one with a baby. Alone. His parents would help, but they were getting older. They could only do so much. How old had his own grandparents become? Just under eighty on his mother’s side, earlier on his fathers’. That meant the baby might not even be twenty when losing their grandparents, which was too early to be without anyone. 

“Remus?” Sirius’ touch startled him. 

“I need a moment,” he said, then let his feet take him upstairs. 

***

Dora looked unsure what to do, and Sirius tried to pretend that he knew. “Let’s sit and wait for him,” he said and gestured at the couch. Dora curled in the corner section, and the cat, always waiting for a warm lap, climbed on top of her. Sirius sat the very edge of his seat. 

Remus needed time to think. Anyone would in that situation. But if it was one thing he’d learned in those months he’d known him, it was that letting Remus think by himself wasn’t always the best idea. He’d always seen it in his eyes; panic brewed whenever it was allowed to. Remus had talked about being depressed, about once being suicidal, but it had been so long ago, and besides the very beginning, Sirius hadn’t seen much trace of it. Maybe he hadn’t truly seen it then either. 

“Is he okay?” Dora asked quietly. 

“I doubt it.” 

“Should you see how he’s doing?”

He was going to say no and give him some time, but he got antsy and went upstairs for Remus in lieu of a reply. He expected him to have either hidden in the bedroom or bathroom, but both were empty. Most likely he hadn’t jumped out of a window, but Sirius also didn’t rule this out completely, until he noticed the door to the second bedroom was slightly ajar. 

Remus was staring absentmindedly at the paint samples, that or he was very interested in the description and ingredients list. He smiled quickly to let Sirius know he’d noticed him, but it faltered just as fast. “Are you okay?”

“I’m terrified, Sirius,” he said, choking on his own breath. 

Sirius sat down beside him, and wrapped him up in a tight hug. “What are you scared of?” Sirius asked. “That you’ll be a bad father? That you won’t love them?”

“I already know that I’ll love them. I think if I allowed myself to feel anything I’d already do.” Sirius knew that feeling, but it was too late for him. Ever since he’d seen that ultrasound picture… probably way before, he’d loved this child. “What if I kill myself?” The sentence startled him. “What if I become that depressed and then this child has no one if you’re not in their life.”

“Would you leave me?” The thought of finding Remus’ lifeless body; just the very idea made his body ache. 

“In a healthy state of mind, I would never. But the last time I tried, everything felt so terrible, and like I was ruining everybody’s lives. It felt like everyone would be better off if I was gone. I have no guarantee that I will never feel that way again.” They fell silent. With nothing else to focus on to keep the bad thoughts haunting him away, he suddenly saw the appeal of the paint swatches. “I don’t blame you if you want to leave me.”

“Do you promise to do your best to never fall back into that dark space?”

“Yes.”

“Then stay with me, please.”

He nodded, then let his head fall against Sirius’ shoulder, allowing him to run his fingers through the slightly graying lochs of hair. “Why are they all yellow?” Remus whispered suddenly, and Sirius chuckled. 

It was Dora who answered, standing in the doorway. “I wanted it gender neutral, but white was too dull.”

“How long have you been there?”

“Long enough.” She sauntered up to them, tripped slightly against one of the small boxes of paint, and sat with them. “Listen, the baby’s not due for another few months. And at least we’ve narrowed it down to either you, Sirius or both of you, so… take your time.”

“Thanks,” Remus whispered. “I like this one,” he said, pointing to the left-most swatch of paint on the wall. “The lemon chiffon yellow.”

“Yeah, I was leaning towards that one too,” Dora said. 

“It’s as good as any of them,” Sirius agreed.


	11. Chapter 11

When Remus asked, Sirius didn’t know what time of day he’d been born. Remus knew he was born at 4:51 am, on a rainy night in March. Everyone he knew had been born at night or in the early morning. “Is anyone ever born in the middle of the day?” 

“Have you been doing drugs? Go to sleep!” Sirius’ voice was muffled by the fact his face was flat against Remus’ chest, and he could feel the movements of his lips on his skin. 

It had been nearly two months since the talk with Dora, the talk which had resolved nothing, and Remus hadn’t slept much since then. Summer hols didn’t help. Before he could exhaust himself with work, but now there was too much relaxing and cuddling and trips to the beach. He and Sirius had started the sickly sweet habit of reading together, cuddled up while Remus held the book and Sirius rested his head against his shoulder. They were both quick readers, but getting through a book took forever because they both kept stopping to comment on what was happening. 

The result of all of this was that he was sleepy nearly all the time, but never quite exhausted enough to pass out dead on the bed once a week or so, like he used to. At 2:45 am, he was therefore still wide awake, and picked up the phone in a relatively lucid state of mind that was not to last. Baby was coming a month early. She’d already been at the hospital for three hours. 

He woke Sirius, then he was at the hospital, at no doing of his own. They were allowed to see her, which surprised him. “You are the father,” Andromeda had said curtly. 

Dora was on her phone when they entered, but put it down with a resigned sigh. “I figured I wanted to be fully in the moment, you know,” she started. “But when nothing’s happening, it’s boring as hell.”

“Hence candycrush,” Sirius said and laughed. Things had been tense between them ever since the talk, but they had regained the casual ease they’d had the first day Remus had seen Sirius, picking up Dora on his bike outside his building. When was the last time he’d even been at his flat? 

Sirius and Dora were talking, but Remus didn’t quite register about what. He’d hear a word here and there before his consciousness was taken over by blind panic. Ted was bringing everybody coffee and snacks, Andromeda looked like she always did, just a bit like she’d kill whoever said the wrong thing. Her family kept saying the wrong things like it was no big deal, and survived to tell the tale, so he reckoned he had the expression wrong. 

“Should you call your parents, Remus?” Ted asked suddenly as he forced a cup of coffee into Remus’ limp hands.

When was the last time he’d talked to his parents? It had been a while, that was all he knew. His mother always brought up the baby and he’d just hang up on them the moment the word was uttered. “They wouldn’t answer,” he lied. “I need to use the lavatory,” he said and got up and left. He’d walked two steps in the opposite direction of the lavatories when someone grabbed him forcefully by the elbow. 

“Could you not run away all the time?” Sirius said, disappointed and exasperated. 

“I don’t think I was.” He’d just needed a break. Some air. A moment away from everything that had happened. Sirius nodded, as if he’d read his mind, and walked with him out to the smoking area. It was July, but there was a bitter cold wind that had them huddling up together. 

“I wish I had a cigarette,” Sirius said, a slight shiver to his voice. 

“I’ve never seen you smoke.”

“Quit ten years ago. Still miss it.” He shifted lightly on his feet, causing Remus to rock back and forth with him, and it was strangely comforting; his mind going blank with the motion. He’d like for them to stay there for much longer than they possibly could, but there was both the cold that was getting increasingly unpleasant, and the fact that his baby was being born inside. 

“What’s getting to you? The uncertainty? Because that’s bothering me too.”

“It’s the same thing as always. But the uncertainty too.”

Sirius went silent, the thoughtful kind of silent, and stared at him like he was trying to figure out a particularly abstract piece of art. “Remus,” he said quietly. “Is it stupid of me to ask you to marry me?”

“A little,” Remus answered, which was putting it mildly. Them getting married at this point in their relationship was plain idiocy. “I suppose that makes it stupid of me to say yes?”

“It does.” Sirius wrapped himself around like he wanted to become one with his being, and he felt him grinning stupidly against his cheek. “Are we getting married, Remus?”

“We’re getting married, apparently.” Remus tilted his head to give Sirius a kiss on the cheek, but realized he too was grinning stupidly, and couldn’t even get his lips to form the necessary shape for a kiss. “I love you,” he said instead.

“I love you too. More than anything.”

“Only for another few hours. Until our baby is born.”

“Let’s go back inside so that we don’t miss it.”

“One more minute.” He hadn’t expected the relief he felt with the happiness. He wouldn’t be alone. The baby wouldn’t be alone. Both of them would always have Sirius. 

***

The birth itself went well. From the first contraction until the baby was out, took only six hours, which even Remus knew was relatively quick. Dora did well, and pushed the baby out without complications. Thus in his euphoria, Remus forgot that they weren’t out of the woods. Not by far. The relief of the baby coming out was gone as quickly as it had come at the doctor’s concerned expression. The faintly mewling infant wasn’t put into anyone’s arms, but taken away immediately. To be put in an incubator, they were told twenty painful minutes later. 

Remus and Sirius had trouble saying anything, but Dora seemed to be in a calm state of shock, asking rational questions with an emptiness to her eyes. “I don’t understand, it’s only six weeks before term,” Dora said.

“His lungs are underdeveloped, and his weight lower than it should be,” the doctor explained. She looked tired, and much older than she actually was. “He’s placed in a level 2 neonatal unit for now. We also suspect jaundice. I know this sounds scary, but I’m cautiously optimistic. If no further complications arise, he should be fine.”

She might have said more things, but with four other people in the room, Remus allowed himself to shut her out after that. The baby would probably be fine. His son would be fine. Probably. 

At seven-thirty in the morning, he finally got himself to call his mother. He was outside in the hospital’s small garden, enclosed by tall brick walls. It was cold and empty. Paths were lined with benches, but he was too restless to sit. “You have a grandson,” he said when his mother picked up. She didn’t make any sound. 

“Is he okay?” 

“No. He’s in the prenatal unit. But the doctor was cautiously optimistic, whatever that means.”

“He’s going to be fine,” she said warmly. 

“Maybe.”

“You were very sickly when you were born too, and so tiny. And you turned out great and healthy.” So it was his fault then. “Do you have a picture of him?”

He chuckled. The sound surprised him. How had he not taken a picture? “That didn’t even cross my mind.” What if something were to happen and he had nothing to remember his face by? He’d not even really looked at it. Didn’t know whether he looked like him or the Black-Tonks’.

“Do that and send it to me. Why don’t your father and I come down next week and stay for a while? We’ll find a cheap hotel near your flat.”

“You can stay at my flat.”

“There’s not much room there, and your father can’t sleep on the floor, you know-”

“I have a boyfriend!” he blurted out. “I’ll be staying with him, so you can have the flat.” His heart beat painfully as he waited for her response, but stilled at the sound of an exasperated gasp.

“Then what was all that bullshit of you not being gay about then!” she asked, annoyed. “You know we love you no matter what.”

“I’m bisexual. And thank you.”

There was a long pause before she said, “Send me a picture of him too while you’re at it. Because we’ll actually get to meet this one, right?”

“Yes. I think he’s going to stick around for a while.”

“Good. Call me when you know more about… have you decided on a name?”

“We were thinking Edward Lyall, after his grandfathers. What do you think?”

There was quiet, then a sniffle. “I think your dad will like that. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

He hung up, and felt lighter somehow. Even when he walked into the prenatal unit, and saw Sirius sitting hunched over and alone by their son, it remained that way. Even in that god awful machine, his son looked strong. He’d pull through. “He’s going to be fine,” Remus said and pulled him into a hug.

“Did you talk to your parents?”

He nodded. “I told them about you, but not the engagement. They’ll come to London next week to see him. We’ll tell them then.”

“I’ll get you a ring before that.”

“That’s not necessary.”

Sirius put on a disheartened smile and shrugged. “I’d like something else to focus on.”

“Mum approved of the name, by the way. Edward Lyall. Edward Lyall Black-Lupin. Poor kid. He’ll have to catch his breath every time he introduces himself.”

“You’re happy,” Sirius said, sounding about as amused as anyone could in the situation. 

“Our son is born. We should be happy.” No matter how much time we have was left unsaid, but still loud in their minds. “I have to take a picture of him for mum and dad.”

“Let me.”

Remus wished they could have sent one that wasn’t through glass, but Sirius made him look like a normal baby. Small, but normal baby. “He looks like me with dark hair,” Remus pointed out. 

“Does he?”

“Me as a baby. Nearly identical. Down to the glass bowl.”

“I’m not saying it’s your fault, but this seems like the kind of thing you’d feel guilty about.”

“I do. A lot.” 

“Dora too. She broke down after you left. Andy and Ted are with her. Told them to take her home this afternoon after she’s discharged.”

“Good. She needs the rest.” They fell into a silence as they watched the baby breathe slowly, as if it was difficult for him to do so. Little Edward Lyall. That name made him sound like a 40 year old accountant. “Should we call him Teddy for now?”

“I like Teddy. Dora will be pleased. It sounds kind of gender neutral. If he identifies as a girl when he’s older, will that bother you?”

“No. Of course not.” He exhaled heavily. “After this, I really just want him to get older.”

“I agree.” Sirius had a hard time keeping his eyes open, but Remus wasn’t going to suggest he go to sleep. He knew very well he wouldn’t voluntarily take his eyes off Teddy until he was in the clear. Remus wouldn’t be able to either. “What kind of ring do you want?”

Remus couldn’t care less. Sirius could go to the vending machine in the lobby and get him a pink plastic ring that only fit his pinkie, and he’d treasure it. “It better be the most expensive ring available. No smaller than 6 carat. White gold.”

“Got it.”

An hour later, a second doctor came in to do tests and said things were looking good. Sirius finally managed to calm enough to go get them a cup of coffee. When he returned, he was given a cup in one hand a little plastic ball in the other. Inside was a yellow plastic ring that only barely fit his pinkie. 

***

Teddy recovered quicker than they expected him to, and while still staying in the hospital, by the time Remus’ parents arrived, they were both allowed to hold him. Their reaction to Sirius, after told of how they met and their quick engagement, was cautious; nothing optimistic about it. He thought only he noticed, but while alone with Teddy, Sirius voiced his concern too. “They don’t like me.”

Remus looked up from his little makeshift desk that he’d made for himself at the hospital. He only meant to bring his laptop, but the small table quickly turned into a replica of his office one, full of papers and leftovers. “They will,” he said, as comfortingly as he could. “It’s a weird situation we got ourselves into.”

Teddy was wide awake, pink cheeked and making little baby noises against Sirius’ chest. Remus couldn’t resist coming up to them. He wished he could say his fears were gone. That once he held Teddy in his arms, he’d realize what a fool he had been. Instead it was sometimes still a fight to not run away. It was difficult to not think that his little boy deserved better. What kept him going was allowing himself to want the things he didn’t think he deserved despite that. He wanted to see Teddy in his light yellow bedroom. He wanted to eat the first meal Sirius would cook for him when they got home. Wanted to hear Teddy laugh for the first time. See Sirius finally get gray in his hair, because he still felt it was unfair that on top of all the other shit life had dealt him, it was all topped off with prematurely gray hair. 

“When does your parents go back to Wales?”

“In a week.” He was making an effort to be absentminded, but it was hard not to put all his focus on the two boys in his life, despite the desperate need to finish preparing for the upcoming school year. 

“Teddy,” Sirius asked the baby in a high-pitched voice. “Do you think daddy and papa should get married before Nain and Taid leaves?”

“Stop trying to make Nain and Taid happen. It’s never going to happen.”

Sirius frowned adorably, then gently pressed the sides of Teddy’s lips downwards so that he too appeared adorably upset. “Grandma and grandpa are the most boring names ever. Why aren’t you more Welsh?”

“Dad is English, you know.”

“Also, Teddy, did you notice how papa didn’t answer daddy’s indirect question?”

“Will James allow you to have the kind of wedding we can plan in less than a week?” After the engagement, James had taken to Remus in a way that startled him. He and Lily had visited and they’d ended up planning the most ridiculous wedding all of them knew would never happen, taking place at a vineyard in Southern France with an Elvis Presley impersonator to officiate. Sirius and Remus were incredibly sleep deprived, as one tended to be when caring for a sickly infant, but James and Lily had no excuse. 

“He’ll survive. We can have a big celebration when Teddy’s older and we’re a little more aware of what’s going on around us.” Teddy reached out blindly and grabbed at Remus’ face. “We got the paperwork done. We should be able to just book an appointment at the registrar’s office and sign the paperwork.”

“Not much of a wedding.”

“James is the only one who cares about the ceremony. I just want to be married to you.”

“Lock me down.”

“Don’t try to pretend you’re not a flight risk.” Sirius chuckled and shuffled closer, allowing Teddy to grip at Remus’ face properly and pull at his lips. They watched him as his movements weakened and he fell into a sudden, deep sleep, which had frightened them to start with, but which was now precious. 

“So, just go down, sign some papers, and we’re married?” 

“Have a nice dinner afterwards.”

“Think we can get that Indian place we went to on our first date slash double date?” 

“Shouldn’t be a problem. James knows the owner.”

As they spoke, Teddy made a little mewl like a kitten about to burp, and Remus tapped him lightly on the back until he made a small cough, then promptly fell back asleep. “Who do we invite? My parents, Andy, Ted and Dora, James, Lily and Harry, James’ parents… do we have other friends we like enough to invite?”

“I sure don’t.” Sirius put Teddy on Remus’ chest, their son didn’t stir, and got his phone to call James. Remus chuckled as the two constantly had to reign themselves in and not make it some grand celebration after all. 

“You’ll have to get used to daddy and uncle James being over dramatic about everything. I still have to get used to it myself.”

“This is me when I’m happy. Get used to it,” Sirius said with a pretty pout and fell onto the bed with them. “We’re getting married on Thursday. Panicking?”

“Not more than usual.”

“So quite a bit.” Very slowly, as to not wake Teddy, he reached out and shoved at Sirius, who graciously allowed himself to be shoved at snail pace. “I love you,” he whispered. “Second most in the world.”

“Love you second most too.”

***

There was pouring rain on the day of their wedding, and their little group looked like drenched rats when they arrived at the registrar’s office. The ceremony was less than fifteen minutes, they came in and left the building in twenty-five. Effie and Monty, as they insisted Remus call them, were simultaneously crying with joy and berating them for not having a proper ceremony. His own parents were rather quiet. 

It became a double celebration, as in between the registrar’s office and the dinner, they got to pick up Teddy. He wasn’t completely in the clear, but constant supervision at the hospital was no longer needed. Upon leaving the hospital, the sun was suddenly shining brightly. A good sign, possibly. 

As a result of picking up Teddy, they had the Indian food brought to them, and celebrated rather quietly at home, as to not wake him. As he was talking to Lily - a conversation that had started out rather direly about things they could do to help Teddy along, but had suddenly turned into a debate about which Beatle was the better songwriter - Remus suddenly felt something small clasp its arms around his legs. 

“Remus!” Harry said. “Up!” There was no question what the little boy wanted him to do, as he was nearly climbing him. It still took him a second to react, because he wasn’t quite sure what he’d done to warrant this trust. He’d only seen Harry a handful of times. However, he did as the little boy told him, and lifted him off the floor. As he continued to speak, he made sure to roll each R carefully, as if he was still a little unsure how the sound worked. “Mummy! Remus is really good at reading stories.”

“I’ve heard,” she said. “Multiple times,” she whispered, at Remus. 

Harry was not satisfied with just being held, and began to climb around him as a monkey, moving from his side to the front and around to his back. “Harry, stop bothering Uncle Remus!” Lily scolded.

“I’m not!” Harry said sincerely, while Remus was hung up on the Uncle part. He was an uncle now too. He’d forgotten. 

James came over too, and more playfully told him, “Don’t choke uncle Remus! He had a baby! We don’t choke people with babies.” He took Harry off him, his now nephew too confused about this new piece of information to pay attention to holding on.

“Where is Teddy?” Harry asked.

“Uncle Sirius took him upstairs.”

“I’ll go check on them,” Remus said. “Did you see Teddy yet, Harry?” Harry shook his head. He’d been at daycare whenever Lily and James came to visit at the hospital. “I’m going to see how Teddy is doing, and if you’re quiet, you can come up and meet your cousin.”

“Okay!” Harry said very loudly. 

“He is capable of being quiet,” James assured him. “But only for a few minutes.”

“I suppose this is what I have to look forward to.” Except he was genuinely looking forward to it. He couldn’t imagine ever being annoyed with Teddy for being loud and rambunctious when remembering the small, fragile baby with the weak cry that he was currently. 

Hiding in the hallway by the stairs was Dora and Fleur. For a moment, he thought perhaps he had caught them doing something insufferably romantic, but as he came closer, he realized Dora looked upset. As they saw him, Fleur gently stroked Dora’s cheek, before returning to the rest of the party. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. What if she wanted Teddy back? The amount of fear that thought caused him startled him. Had he become so selfish that quickly? 

“I’m okay,” she said quietly. “I have a lot of feelings,” she continued, frustratingly vague, but Remus kept his lips tightly shut. “I feel so guilty about the way Teddy is. I feel like I should have done something, but the whole pregnancy went so easy. I didn’t even particularly have morning sickness except for a little nausea in the beginning. So I just sort of ignored taking care of myself. Taking care of Teddy.”

“It’s not your fault. If there is someone to fault, it’s me. Bad genes. I told you.”

“You did.” Her breath hitched. “I think I’m going to the US with Fleur.”

The tension in his body released like a rope had snapped and he was finally free. “The two of you are moving quite fast.” He didn’t need her disbelieving face to know the slight hypocrisy of that statement. “Our circumstances were different.”

“Would you have married Uncle Sirius if not for Teddy?”

He shrugged. “In a few years. I like to take things slow, believe it or not.” 

“I believe it.” She smiled at him, a crooked smile reminiscent of Sirius. “Anyway, it’s not just because of Fleur I’ll be going to the states. It sounds like a fun experience, and with an international law degree, you can do a lot of cool shit. Fleur wants to volunteer in Africa. Help small businesses with legal troubles.”

“All of Africa or any specific country in mind?”

“She said something, but she was looking all hot and passionate when she was talking about it that I had a hard time focusing.” Remus outwardly cringed, making Dora laugh. “I’m joking, it was Malawi. I listen when my girlfriend talks.”

“I’m going up to Sirius and Teddy, if you don’t mind. Don’t defile your uncle’s house while we’re away.”

“It’s your house too now that I’ll be defiling,” she said, grinning, the tears in her eyes only remnants of the sadness she had felt only minutes before. 

Upstairs, he found Sirius hunched over the crib. There had been a lot of ifs and buts about the sleeping arrangements, but on advice from Lily and James, they’d decided on taking turns sleeping in Teddy’s room rather than have him in theirs. This since they both had to work still, and might need a good night sleep once in a while. Though Remus figured he’d do the nightshift mostly. His insomnia was finally good for something. 

“How is he?” Remus asked and wrapped his arms around Sirius, and Sirius rested his head against him in turn. 

“Sound asleep. Thank god he didn’t get your sleeping habits.”

“Let’s hope he doesn’t get my depression either, or my nose.”

“My family  
have a much better nose than yours. I don’t mind him having the rest of your face, though.” He caressed Remus’ cheek and nuzzled against him. At that moment, he really wanted to kiss Sirius. Remus enjoyed kissing, but it had never been a desire difficult to keep in check before then. It couldn’t have been difficult to tell what he was thinking; he was staring at  
lips. 

“Once, if you don’t make a habit out of it,” he said jokingly. 

Remus kissed the corner of his lips. “That’s plenty. Glad there wasn’t any kiss the groom business at our wedding.”

There was a slight knock on the door, before it creaked open and his mother peeked inside. “Hi,” she whispered. “I hope you don’t mind, I just wanted a good look at him. Everyone’s been hogging him all day, I haven’t been able to.” She tiptoed across the room to the crib and looked down at her grandson with awe. 

“I’ll check on our guests,” Sirius said and nuzzled against Remus’ cheek before leaving. 

Remus was scared to look at his mother’s expression, but the same fondness she had for Teddy was still there when looking at him. “He seems lovely,” his mother said. 

“I thought you didn’t like him,” Remus admitted. 

“You didn’t give us much time to get to know him before your wedding,” she said sternly. “It’s just… odd. This whole situation.” 

“I know.” 

“You’re on your meds now, aren’t you?” He nodded. “Good.”

“Dunno how much it helps. I’m still terrified. Terrified I’ll ruin everything. Ruin his life.” His precious son, who was sleeping soundly not knowing how fucked up his father is. “I want to run away all the time.”

“All new parents feel that way. Don’t think you’re special just because you feel it a little stronger than the rest.”

He had to stifle his laughter so as to not wake Teddy. “Thank you.”

“Now, help your mother out.” She put on her reading glasses and brought out her phone. After tapping through it at a painfully slow pace, she finally found what she was looking for. A photo of him, Sirius and Teddy, having just arrived home, the two of them smiling and Teddy swaddled up and barely awake in Sirius’ arms. “Can you help me set this as my background. I have no idea how to do it.”  
“Sure, mum.”

***

For some reason, Tonks couldn’t quite bring herself to be excited at the wedding. She was happy for them. She hoped she was happy for them. Her feelings for Remus had all but vanished, especially now that she was with Fleur, but there was still something leftover there inside her, and it hurt. “Did you have a good talk with Lupin?” Fleur asked. 

“I think so.” It had been a good talk, but that had only made things worse. When Remus was being an asshole or panicking, it was easy not to have feelings for him, but when he was kind and funny, she was reminded of why she’d liked him so much in the first place. She’d clung to what she felt for him because she was scared of her own feelings towards women, but that didn’t mean the feelings for him hadn’t been real. 

“I like your mother,” Fleur said. 

“You are very similar, and let’s not dwell too much on that.”

“It’s a compliment,” she said and shrugged. 

While Tonks and Fleur had taken refuge in the dining room, everyone else had taken their plates and sat in the sofa, and they watched them through the doorway. Tonks’ parents were talking to Remus’ father, as well as Effie and Monty. They were cooing over pictures of Teddy, except her mother, though Tonks knew she was gushing over the baby on the inside. She’d worried what her mother would say when she told her she planned for Sirius to adopt the baby. She was a little quiet to start with, but it seemed she had come to the conclusion that she’d still be Teddy’s grandmother in some way. 

“Do you regret it?” Fleur asked, barely audible. “Giving up Teddy.”

“No. I feared I might, but I don’t. I love him, but he was always Sirius’. And Remus’ too, I suppose, even if it took a while to get there.”

“That poor kid when he has to explain his family to his friends.”

“At least it’s a big, cluttered family that loves him.” 

“Maybe somewhere along the line my, big, cluttered family will be in the picture too.” 

“Going for the long haul?” Tonks grinned from ear to ear. 

“Of course,” she said, matter of factly. “Though I’m not getting married until I’m 28. And if we do have kids, not before I’m 32.” She pursed her lips and watched Harry, who was playing with Lily and James on the floor, with some disdain. Did her attraction to people not fond of kids mean something she wasn’t yet aware of? 

Sirius came downstairs again, without Remus, and sat with James, Lily and Harry on the floor. He looked tired, yet happier than she’d seen him in years. She took Fleur’s hand and cozied up against her girlfriend. “Whatever you say, love.”

***

Sirius played with Harry until he saw Remus and his mother return downstairs. Even when he sat, Remus held the babycall tightly in his hand, and kept checking it. They’d considered getting the kind with video, but had decided against it. Sirius kind of regretted it, because he liked to watch him to make sure he was breathing. 

As he stood, he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to see Andromeda stand ominously silent behind him. Lily, still not used to her after all these years, held her son a little tighter to protect him from danger. Harry simply blew a raspberry and continued playing that he was a llama, a new thing he did every now and then.

After a firm tilt of her head in the direction of the kitchen, Andromeda walked away and Sirius knew better than to not follow. She shut the door behind them, before walked to the other side of the kitchen, as far from the rest of the guests as possible. This could only mean she was about to express feelings. “Dora’s fine, apparently.” 

“Are you trying to be comforting?”

She shrugged. “I feel snubbed of a grandchild.” By her tone, he reckoned she was more exasperated by this than anything else. She’d never expressed any desire to have grandchildren before. Honestly, he’d been surprised when she told him she was pregnant. She loved Dora, there was no doubt about it, but he always suspected she’d had her more for Ted than herself. 

“Dora might have another child.” 

“Have you met that Fleur girl?” she asked in a low growl. 

“Barely, but yes.” 

“She’s not the kind of woman who’s going to be happy settled down somewhere with kids and a house. She’s going to bring Dora on  
” she said, seething with disdain. 

“You don’t like Fleur?”

“I love her. She’s great. Much better for her than Remus. Don’t give me that look. Could you imagine those two together? Not to mention he’s way too old for her.” He could agree to that, though he knew very well she had reservations towards Remus. When they would go away, he didn’t know. Few could hold a grudge quite like her. “Are you happy?” she suddenly asked, and he grinned. 

“Very much.”

She rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh, before she brought him into a tight hug. “He’s better than the last ones, I’ll give you that.”

“Much better. Give him a chance. He and Dora made a mistake, but it led to good things in the end, don’t you think?” She made a non-commital grunt. 

As they let go, there was a slight cough from the door. Ted was standing there, smiling softly. Sirius could guess he already knew what their conversation had been about. “Don’t hog Sirius all night. He has a lot of guests to tend to,” Ted said. He took over the hug from Sirius, and Andromeda smiled as much as she ever did. 

“Go!” she said. He knew better than not listen. 

***

From midnight until two, Remus simply lay staring at his little boy. At two he started crying, and he fed and changed him, then rocked him back to sleep by three. At four, he thought he might actually get some sleep himself, until the door creaked open and Sirius tiptoed in. “If I didn’t know you, I would have apologized for waking you.” 

“Maybe, for once, I was getting some sleep, and you were robbing me off it. Then how would you feel talking to me like that?”

“Were you asleep?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

Sirius lay beside him on the narrow guest bed, and rested his head on Remus’ chest. “I kept waking up,” Sirius whispered. “I had a nightmare there was a spider in his bed.”

“A big spider?”

“Just a normal spider.”

“I understand how that could rattle you.”

It felt as if SIrius was already falling asleep, and he combed his fingers through his hair, which he’d learned usually aided in the process. It was strange, now that it was cut shorter for the wedding, but all the more soft and smooth. “I want to go to the Maldives.” 

“I wouldn’t call myself an expert at parenting just yet, but I do think the Maldives is not the best holiday spot for a newborn.”

Sirius chuckled, his breath warming his chest. “When Teddy’s old enough to spend some weeks with his grandparents. We should take a trip to the Maldives. Just rest and read and drink cocktails. Maybe we’ll have sex even.” Sirius went quiet for a moment, but Remus could tell he was still awake. Tense. “Do you miss sex?”

“I wouldn’t be able to have sex even if you came in here wearing a skimpy schoolgirl outfit.” Sirius made a horribly unattractive snort. “You made the right choice in partner in that regard. I’m not up for much these day.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“Haha,” he said flatly. 

“Just, you, know, I’m here for you. If you do want me.”

“Would you ever have sex if you had the option?”

“It’s nice sometimes. I promise.” They stilled as Teddy made a little mewl. He stretched and twitched, having not yet quite figured out how his limbs worked, and watched his right hand through half open eyes with some confusion. “I’ll get him,” Sirius said, as the mewling turned into louder complaining. He didn’t want food or need changing this time, and fell back asleep in Sirius’ arms in twenty minutes. Slowly and with extreme care, Sirius put him back in the crib, where he lay dead to the world. 

“If only it was that easy to get you to sleep.” Sirius yawned and fell back onto the bed with Remus,

“We’ve never tried that, to be fair.”

“No offence, but you’re a bit too heavy.”

“More like you’re too weak.” 

Remus startled as Sirius pulled him close and, while still lying on bed, held him on top of him as if he was a baby and started rocking him back and forth. The position was rather uncomfortable. “Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock-” He stopped singing abruptly. “That’s all I remember.” He loosed his grip and Remus readjusted to make the position more comfortable. Sirius continued to hum the lullaby. Gradually, it lost its volume, until Sirius was asleep himself. 

“Your dad is silly, isn’t he?” he asked Teddy, who did not respond. At that moment, he was so happy, it terrified him. His heart was pounding at the thought of this little boy and the man holding him, who he loved more than anything in this world, depended on him. But he wasn’t going to run away. He was going to stay, right in that lemon chiffon yellow room.


	12. Epilogue

Thursday was Sirius’ least favorite day of the week. Teddy had a swim class, which was mostly Teddy just mucking about with other kids in the pool, that Remus brought him to, and they wouldn’t be home until closer to seven. Coming home to that empty house always brought him back to those painful years he spent alone. Usually he worked late on Thursdays. Stayed until the cleaning staff would start passive aggressively walk by his office until he left and they could clean it, and then he’d go home and cook dinner. It would finish just in time for Remus and Teddy to arrive. They were always ravenous after swim class, as they’d only have a snack before going. 

But this Thursday, they were closing early for a company event the next day, and he’d been kicked out even earlier than he would have been on a normal day. He unlocked the door to his home, prepared for a few hours of misery, when instead of silence, he heard laughter. Not wanting to interrupt their game, he closed the door quietly behind him before taking off his shoes and jacked and heading for the living-room. It was impossible not to laugh a little at the sight. A slightly put-upon Remus was sat on the floor, wearing a tiara on his head and a pink tutu around his waist, as Teddy, wearing a similar getup, with the addition of a viking helmet and sword, attacked something in mid air. 

“Why are you home so early, my beloved princesses?” Sirius asked as Remus looked up at him and smiled. 

“Teddy’s running a little fever, so we’ve been home for a while already.” 

On closer inspection, Teddy’s cheeks were red and his eyes glossy. He ran up to his papa to let him feel his forehead, grinning because having a fever at that age and getting to go home early was fun. Only because he didn’t remember how sick he had always been as an infant when his immune system had been nearly non-existent. 

“My fever is almost forty,” he said proudly. 

“38.3,” Remus corrected as Sirius started to panic. 

“I suppose that is almost forty. What are you two playing? Is daddy a princess?”

“Yes! I’m rescuing him from a dragon, but the dragon is actually nice, and he’s going to be our pet.”

“And you are a… viking princess?”

“Yes! Are we having dinner soon? I’m hungry.”

“I can start now.” Teddy cheered with approval, then swiftly returned to the task at hand, of defending princess Remus from a dragon. 

“Did Tonks call you?” Remus asked, tilting to the side to look around Teddy, still swinging his viking sword. 

“She did, but I wasn’t able to answer. They arrived safely?”

“Yup. They are in Harare now. They’ll stay for a week and then fly out to the refugee camp.” 

“Aunt Dora and aunt Fleur are in Zimbabey,” Teddy said absentmindedly. He dropped his sword and ran for his stuffed dragon, a big, green, thing James had given to him when Teddy’s inexplicable fascination with dragons had started. 

“That’s right, they are in Zimbabwe,” Remus said gently. 

Sirius didn’t like that Dora was out there, even if she was doing good work, working as a lawyer for refugees, helping them word their case to whatever new country they ended up in. But the places they went weren’t the safest, and whenever they returned home, they both held back when talking about what had happened. They’d talk like they’d been on holiday, but their eyes were sad and tired, but somehow always determined to go back. 

Teddy poked him with the dragon. “Papa, I’m sick and hungry and could you start dinner?” He was looking at him with the cutest, most ridiculous, puppy eyes, and Sirius never had a chance to resist. 

“I’ll get right on it, Chief.”

Sirius liked to cook while hearing Teddy and Remus out there in the living-room. Things hadn’t always been easy. Teddy’s health especially was a struggle. It had been touch and go for a while, until his condition had stabilized around the time he turned one. Worse was Remus. 

The good thing about Remus was that he was strong whenever Sirius wasn’t. If Teddy was sick and Sirius close to breaking down, Remus surprisingly wasn’t. At least not outwardly. He’d handle all the conversations with the doctors and their family, and stayed remarkably positive. It was when things were going well that Remus struggled. He’d thought he’d seen the worst of Remus, but he hadn’t seen anything. When Teddy had been three, Remus had decided to try going off his meds again, and it seemed to go well, right until it didn’t. It had gotten so bad, that when Remus suggested he go stay with his parents in Wales for a while, Sirius actually agreed. He never imagined he’d tell Remus to run away, even temporarily. But Remus had been like a hollow shell, and it wasn’t good for Teddy to be around that. 

Over the years, Sirius had learned to nip in the bud rather than see if it got worse, because the worse he got, the less likely he was to want help. But the last year things had been good. Very good. Remus would say that only meant something bad would happen soon, and Sirius would have to explain that bad things always happened. People got sick, people died, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop that, and it wasn’t a good reason to not enjoy the good times. He hoped Remus would take that to heart soon. 

Remus came into the kitchen still wearing the tiara, but he had removed the tutu. “I’ll set the table,” he explained as he started rummaging through the cabinets. He started to set the kitchen table. Teddy, Harry, Sirius and James had turned the dining room into a fort of pillows and blankets a few weekends ago, and they still had so much fun with it, they didn’t have the heart to take it down just yet. 

Things weren’t perfect. They never would be. He didn’t have a heap of children and never would have, but Teddy was enough. Remus was enough. The two kittens they’d gotten after the old cat passed away last year were enough. And tomorrow, James, Lily and Harry would come over, and they’d make pizza and eat ice cream.


End file.
